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I was a little stuck on the other story I was writing and this one just sort of came to life, so I thought I'd ask for some help.

Alex: It started off so well though. I don’t know what happened.

Taylor: Yeah, I know. It’s tough, isn’t it?

I could just see him crying his eyes out; sobbing over his IPhone, trying to see what he was texting to me. I felt so sorry for him.

Alex is my best friend. Well, one of them anyway. The other, Rachel, is his ‘girlfriend’. Rachel likes to be known as the innocent little sophomore who’s never had a boyfriend, so as you can guess, she’s not really the dating type. She hangs out with a boy for a week or two, leading them on, the boy always thinking ‘Hey, maybe I’ll be her first real boyfriend.’ But then she tires of them and finds someone new.

You may be asking why I’d want to hang out with someone like that. Well, I don’t really have the best living arrangement. My stepfather’s an alcoholic and hates me, my mother is always working, and I’m in the middle of five children, so I don’t really get a lot of attention. And besides, Rachel wasn’t always such a jerk. She used to be really sweet and nice, and once even saved my life.

I’ve known Rachel since I was nine, in fourth grade, five years ago. So, if you can do math, you’d know that I was fourteen in ninth grade, and I’m two years younger than Rachel, who’s sixteen.

Rachel and I look pretty similar, other than the fact that she’s insanely gorgeous, attracting every high school boy within a three mile radius, like bees to honey. We both have brown hair, but mine is more of a chocolate brown and it’s extremely curly while hers is a very light brown and it’s unbelievably straight. She has a perfect, curvy body, while I have the average teenage girl’s body. She also has the perfect tan while my nickname is ‘the ghost’. The only thing she is truly jealous of over me is my eyes. She has deep, brown eyes, but my eyes are a sky blue color. But that’s not it. They change color occasionally. Sometimes they’re my usual blue, others they’re emerald green, while still other times, they’re a mixture like blue, green, and sometimes just a hint of orange. But that’s the only thing she doesn’t have that I do. And it’s not much.

So as you can see, everything about her makes her the perfect predator, bringing her prey to her. And that’s exactly how Alex found Rachel.

Rachel and I were at the beach with one of her former victims, Damien, when he spotted a group of his friends. Alex was among that group, and he noticed (as every other boy in the world) her stunning beauty. He walked right up to her wearing Hawaiian style swimming trunks with his brown shaggy hair, soaking wet, hanging over his bright green eyes. Not that I cared at all right then. I was too busy thinking, ‘Here we go again.’

I was already starting to notice Rachel getting tired of Damien, showing her usual signs of not wanting to hang out with him, telling him lies that she had other plans or that she was sick. But when she saw Alex, Damien’s time with her ended on the spot.

For the rest of the time at the beach, Alex and Rachel sat together on their towels, talking and laughing and having fun while everyone else went swimming. When Damien said he had to go home, she didn’t even pretend to care. She said, “Bye,” and that’s it. I guess he caught on that Rachel had moved on because I didn’t see him again after that.

But I saw a lot of Alex. He would always walk home with us, Rachel would always be texting him, and a lot of times she would tell her parents that she had drama rehearsals when really we would just go to his house.

It’s been over seven months since she’s met Alex, by far the longest time she’s ever spent with a single boy. And I’ve actually become very close to him. The others came and went too fast for me to even get to know them, but Alex has been with her long enough for us to actually bond. So now, as I said before, he’s one of my best friends. Practically the only thing that gets me through the school day is knowing that I get to see him. I’ve come to expect his phone calls on the weekends, asking if Rachel and I want to go to the mall. I love hearing his voice in the hallways at school, just to say hi. And you know, I think his laugh is the best sound I’ve ever heard.

I guess you could say I’m in love with him.

But of course I’d never tell him that, or anyone else for that matter. Alex loves Rachel, and Rachel loves Alex as far as I can tell. I mean, she has been with him for over seven months. And besides, Alex thinks of me as a friend, nothing more. And I’m fine with that. If he’s happy, I’m happy.

But sadly, he hasn’t been happy lately. Rachel hasn’t done what she usually does, which is just dump the dude, but that doesn’t mean that Rachel’s dating him. Actually, it’s the complete opposite. At school, she talks to him during homeroom, which is the only class they have together, but then she just avoids him for the rest of the day. Once, she was walking through the halls with him, chatting and laughing, and one of Alex’s friends came over and asked, “Hey, are you guys dating now?”

Before Alex could even say anything, Rachel practically screamed “No! Uh, we’re just friends.” It broke his heart.

Usually, if Rachel didn’t dump the guy, the guy would just give up on her, but Alex is the most determined person I’ve ever met. Either that or he’s just a fool. He’s been hanging with Rachel for a long time, and he’s been hurt so much, but he still thinks he is in love. He says he has gotten past the beauty and that he knows there’s someone remarkable underneath who loves him just as much as he loves her.

And for a while, I believed him. I thought that Rachel would finally let up and let herself actually love someone, let the public hear the astonishing news that she finally loves someone and won’t let that person go. And I hoped it would be Alex.

But, after a few weeks, even I began to lose hope. She wasn’t showing any signs of changing, and I kept telling him that. I kept telling him to leave, that he could find someone that actually cared about him and that he only thought he loved her. I wanted him to leave so badly, even though I wanted more than anything for him to stay. If he left, he wouldn’t hang out with Rachel anymore, but Rachel would hang out with me and talk about how horrible he was, just like before. He’d go back to his old friends and eventually his heart would heal, and I would be forgotten, which would kill me on the inside. But, like I said, if he’s happy, I’m happy.

So I continue to tell him to go find someone better, to leave before his heart is broken beyond repair. But he just won’t listen!

I checked my phone and he had replied.

Alex: You got that right, but I know that it’ll get better. I just know it.

I sighed. When will he learn?

Taylor: Ok. Believe that if you want.

I checked the clock and it read 11:24 P.M. Yikes. I need to get to sleep. If my parents come in here and find me awake, I’m dead.

Taylor: Listen, I gotta go. I think I just heard my ‘dad’ and I don’t really feel like dying tonight.

Alex: Aw. L Ok. But can’t you risk your life for me just this once? I’m not tired at all.

Taylor: Lol. J Nope. Sorry. I think my life is just a little more important than making sure you’re not bored.

Alex: *Sigh* Fine. J Bye. ‘Night.

Taylor: ‘Night.

After waiting another five minutes to make sure he didn’t text back saying he forgot to tell me something, I plugged my phone into its charger on the side of my bed, turned off my lamp, and burrowed under my blanket.

‘Why does he have to be so stubborn?’ I thought, closing my eyes. ‘He chooses to be miserable because he wants to be with her, when I know at least five people who’d love to be his girlfriend.’

I started to feel myself drifting into the state where I know that I’m about to go to sleep but I still feel semi-conscious. ‘He’s too stubborn for his own good.’ Then I fell into a dreamless sleep.

* * *

I woke up at around six o’clock feeling terrible. My forehead was covered with sweat, my stomach was killing me, and I felt like I would get a glimpse of last nights pizza in a few seconds. I ran to the bathroom and made it to the toilet just in time.

My mom, hearing the commotion that I was making, came running downstairs (our house is a two story house. My parents share the upstairs while my little brother and sister, Nicholas and Janice, share one room downstairs and I have the other. My older brother and sister, Jonathon and Jessica already moved out). She made me take a shower, gave me some Pepto Bismol, and sent me back to bed, telling me not to get up unless I needed something to eat or to go to the bathroom.

I texted Alex to tell Rachel that I wasn’t going to school so not to wait for me (Alex, Rachel, and I live on the same street, so we all get rides from Rachel’s mom to school).

I went back to sleep, hoping that Alex would get my text so that Rachel wouldn’t be furious with me for making her late and making her public wait.

* * *

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Permalink Reply by Callie Leah on March 5, 2010 at 12:22am

That was incredible. I love the story. But I have one suggestion. You kind of droned on with details. Instead of saying:

The only thing she is truly jealous of over me is my eyes. She has deep, brown eyes, but my eyes are a sky blue color. But that’s not it. They change color occasionally. Sometimes they’re my usual blue, others they’re emerald green, while still other times, they’re a mixture like blue, green, and sometimes just a hint of orange. But that’s the only thing she doesn’t have that I do. And it’s not much.

You could say:

The only thing she's truly jealous of over me is my eyes. Hers are a deep brown, while mine are always changing. Sometimes they're my normal sky-blue, but others they're emerald green, and sometimes a little both with a hint of orange. It's the only thing she doesn't have that I do. And it's not much.

And instead of:

My mom, hearing the commotion that I was making, came running downstairs (our house is a two story house. My parents share the upstairs while my little brother and sister, Nicholas and Janice, share one room downstairs and I have the other. My older brother and sister, Jonathon and Jessica already moved out).

You could say:

My mom, hearing the commotion, came running down the stairs of our two-story house. (Mom and Dad share the upstairs while my little sibs, Nicholas and Janice, have one room together. I've had my older siblings room for two years ever since they moved out.)

Those are just a couple of suggestions, but you can write it however you want. Stories just get a little boring when you drone. But other than that, it was great. I love the concept and the personalities. One super jerky, pretty girl, one average, and a super sensitive boy who has it pretty bad. I can't wait to read the rest of it! :)

By the way, when are you going to finish your werewolf story? I'm DYING to know what happens! ;)

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Permalink Reply by Julie Ann Burgos on March 5, 2010 at 10:48pm

Thanks for the help on those detaily parts :) Those were actually bugging me, and I though I was carrying on a bit much. haha. So, really, thank you. And I'm glad you liked it. It's my favorite one that I'm writing so far. And the werewolf story was giving me a little trouble, but it's up and running again. And as soon as I get finished with the next part, I'll let you know!

Callie Leah said:

That was incredible. I love the story. But I have one suggestion. You kind of droned on with details. Instead of saying:

The only thing she is truly jealous of over me is my eyes. She has deep, brown eyes, but my eyes are a sky blue color. But that’s not it. They change color occasionally. Sometimes they’re my usual blue, others they’re emerald green, while still other times, they’re a mixture like blue, green, and sometimes just a hint of orange. But that’s the only thing she doesn’t have that I do. And it’s not much.

You could say:

The only thing she's truly jealous of over me is my eyes. Hers are a deep brown, while mine are always changing. Sometimes they're my normal sky-blue, but others they're emerald green, and sometimes a little both with a hint of orange. It's the only thing she doesn't have that I do. And it's not much.

And instead of:

My mom, hearing the commotion that I was making, came running downstairs (our house is a two story house. My parents share the upstairs while my little brother and sister, Nicholas and Janice, share one room downstairs and I have the other. My older brother and sister, Jonathon and Jessica already moved out).

You could say:

My mom, hearing the commotion, came running down the stairs of our two-story house. (Mom and Dad share the upstairs while my little sibs, Nicholas and Janice, have one room together. I've had my older siblings room for two years ever since they moved out.)

Those are just a couple of suggestions, but you can write it however you want. Stories just get a little boring when you drone. But other than that, it was great. I love the concept and the personalities. One super jerky, pretty girl, one average, and a super sensitive boy who has it pretty bad. I can't wait to read the rest of it! :)

By the way, when are you going to finish your werewolf story? I'm DYING to know what happens! ;)

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Permalink Reply by scribbler on March 9, 2010 at 9:19pm

Nice story, Julie! I would have suggested you shorten some sentences and do more showing rather than telling. It's also okay to leave some things to the reader's imagination. You don't need to share every little detail all at once.

The mum upstairs and you being downstairs paragraph is an example. Do we really need to know right now all the details of every family member's living arrangements? I think not. :) When you give too much unnecessary information at once, the reader loses the thread of the story. That whole paragraph could have condensed down to "Mom ran downstairs to see what was wrong, took one look at my pale face and sent me straight back to bed for the day. " That's the important part of it right now that's pertinent to the story.

If it doesn't do something to move the story forward and isn't key to what's about to unfold, you probably don't need it right then. You might find later that you don't need it at all anywhere. If mom ran downstairs, your reader is smart enough to figure out her bedroom's upstairs since it's early morning and that's where she was likely to be. Don't try to add in too much at once and you'll be fine.

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Permalink Reply by Julie Ann Burgos on March 10, 2010 at 1:31am

thanks! I did really feel I was putting too much info. :) Thanks again.

scribbler said:

Nice story, Julie! I would have suggested you shorten some sentences and do more showing rather than telling. It's also okay to leave some things to the reader's imagination. You don't need to share every little detail all at once.

The mum upstairs and you being downstairs paragraph is an example. Do we really need to know right now all the details of every family member's living arrangements? I think not. :) When you give too much unnecessary information at once, the reader loses the thread of the story. That whole paragraph could have condensed down to "Mom ran downstairs to see what was wrong, took one look at my pale face and sent me straight back to bed for the day. " That's the important part of it right now that's pertinent to the story.

If it doesn't do something to move the story forward and isn't key to what's about to unfold, you probably don't need it right then. You might find later that you don't need it at all anywhere. If mom ran downstairs, your reader is smart enough to figure out her bedroom's upstairs since it's early morning and that's where she was likely to be. Don't try to add in too much at once and you'll be fine.

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Permalink Reply by scribbler on March 14, 2010 at 7:02pm

You're very welcome Julie! I'm glad it was helpful to you. It would be great if you could share the revised version further on down the line. It helps to see a "before" and "after". You'll see your own progress which is gratifying of course while giving others the chance to learn from the changes. :)

Julie Ann Burgos said:

thanks! I did really feel I was putting too much info. :) Thanks again.
scribbler said:
Nice story, Julie! I would have suggested you shorten some sentences and do more showing rather than telling. It's also okay to leave some things to the reader's imagination. You don't need to share every little detail all at once.

The mum upstairs and you being downstairs paragraph is an example. Do we really need to know right now all the details of every family member's living arrangements? I think not. :) When you give too much unnecessary information at once, the reader loses the thread of the story. That whole paragraph could have condensed down to "Mom ran downstairs to see what was wrong, took one look at my pale face and sent me straight back to bed for the day. " That's the important part of it right now that's pertinent to the story.

If it doesn't do something to move the story forward and isn't key to what's about to unfold, you probably don't need it right then. You might find later that you don't need it at all anywhere. If mom ran downstairs, your reader is smart enough to figure out her bedroom's upstairs since it's early morning and that's where she was likely to be. Don't try to add in too much at once and you'll be fine.