Chapter 14

TO RENNI:  SOMETIMES I FEAR IT WILL NEVER BE SPRING AGAIN

Written By: F John Surells

            Renni, I don’t know where you are physically, but wouldn’t you agree that philosophically we’re at a point at which we should view our lives in basically two ways, i.e., regionally and globally? And I can’t say this for certain, but sometimes I think you disappeared because the regional aspect of your existence was becoming too structured, or even too dictatorial.

            And the other day Rashon and I were talking about how powerful Ralph Hawk is becoming in this city. And we were wondering if that was for the best, or… And you know, we couldn’t really decide if “things” are getting better or worse in this city. They’re changing – we did agree on that! And I guess all we can hope is that one set of problems isn’t being replaced by another here!

            And, Rashon and I went on then to talk about where literature is “at” today. And maybe when I say literature I actually mean publishing. Well, publishing is changing, that’s for sure. And today many new authors are being given the opportunity to express themselves via the printed word. And personally, I’m very appreciative of that fact. But let’s be honest, years ago a rigid formation of editors, publishers, agents, etc. blocked out writers whose work they deemed undesirable or too controversial. And God, let’s hope that today we’re not setting up a new structure of literary overseers; but this time from amongst supposedly independent authors.  

            No, I hope a new literary elite won’t now develop amongst non-traditional writers. But nevertheless, whatever may eventually happen or not happen as regards the new world of publishing, one thing will remain as it’s always been, i.e., those who can simply express, as well as merely relate, will possess a great chance to extend power and influence via word craft. Yet, not everyone will wish to expend the time and effort necessary for such extension. And, just now I’m pondering if only because someone decided to use any certain word or words at any certain time, did that decision make him or her a “writer?” And what really differentiates writers from word-users, word-manipulators, or even word-controllers?

            Personally, I can express and relate via paint as well as words, though I’m better with words – I think! But Renni, I can truthfully say that before I ever knew you, I’d already painted your picture on canvas. And in that painting I saw you as someone whose love for me would last throughout the years. Tell me I was correct in that sighting!

            Yes Renni, I pray our love will last throughout the years; but aren’t years usually grouped together into time spans referred to as eras? They are in my way of reckoning time’s passage. And it’s always seemed to me as though mortal lives are divided by groups of eras which basically correspond to seasonal delineations of time. In other words, it seems to me as though our lives really have four “seasons” to them. And when one reaches what’s considered to be the winter of one’s life, will that one ever know spring again?

            But just now I want a much more immediate focus. And thus, I must say that outside today it’s autumn. And I can’t deny that! Yet, the reality of an impending winter always makes me fearful. And I’m so afraid to live in an absence of warmth. And when I’m in the midst of coldness, often a stark panic grips me. And then I become paranoid contemplating the possibility that it may never be spring again.

            And through my window then I see what appears to be winter already come. And in my mind then I see a snowy landscape before me. But what does that mentally produced terrain of white and grey portend for the present and future? And what does it attempt to tell me about the past? And when will I again see a dominant sun feature a brightened world?

            Oh yes, as a number of songs have told us, we must first pay our “dues” before we can do any number of things. And so, I really feel as though I’ve made a deposit toward life’s ongoing fees today. But at least I’m still alive and can still make such payments! Yes, and sometimes when I worry about the passage of time, I also say a prayer of thankfulness for my continued mortality.

            And it wouldn’t surprise me if, when I write what I’m about to here, some who’ll read it will think me outmoded, immature, perhaps prudish, or even just plain stupid. But if the truth be told, I can’t concern myself (much) with those people or their opinions. Yet, sometimes in quiet moments I do ponder how I became all I currently am.

            Still, everyone no doubt has his or her own story, background, current lifestyle, and hopes for the future; tempered of course by the knowledge that no one can really say for certain what will transpire in years to come. And most, but not all mortals have definite goals they’d like to accomplish, as well as particular deeds they’d like to perform in the future. But of course even they know their goals, desires, and hopes for all that shall occur in as of yet unelapsed time are subject to many diverse factors, several of which are beyond their control, but many of which they themselves can either cause to happen, or thwart from possible development.

            Oh, and I miss you Renni. Where have you gone? Will you come back home soon? You know how my mind constantly strays toward paranoia. It needs your calming effects. It needs you Renni.

            And today all I’ve done seems so unimportant, and so inconsequential, but yet, what’s worse, perhaps my actions have distressed you (someone I truly love), or, perhaps in your opinion I’ve simply wasted your time. And Renni, it seems to me sometimes as though what you really want as a life’s partner is some sort of machine or robot. But then, like everyone else, you and I have such large responsibilities to attend to, or at least we tell ourselves we do!

            And Renni, I can’t help but say this also:  Today my mind is greatly troubled by another dilemma, i.e., where will I spend eternity? And sometimes I feel as though I’m living off a script someone else has handed me. And I’m wondering if the role I’ve been called upon to play concerns itself too much with only what’s temporal.

            And in an age of diminishing individuality, I always find myself attempting to conduct my existence in a manner which features me striving to remain free of what might be determined to be either necessary or unnecessary interventions into my life. And related to that phenomenon I fear is this one:  Sometimes it seems as though uncommitted actions are returning to my comprehension so they might seek some sort of revenge there! In other words, it appears that deeds which weren’t committed are angered that they weren’t chosen for commission!

            But of course deeds and actions, whether committed or not, are of themselves not as relevant as the effects their commission or non-commission engendered or failed to engender. Yet, it was always the living human, and not the machine or robot who was called upon to shoulder the responsibility for all that either occurred or didn’t occur.

            And perceived responsibility often alters our decision making. Nevertheless, surely we attempt to do only what we know is right, and if possible, what we’ll find pleasurable. But of course there’s a problem with that. And it lies in the fact that not all humans agree about what’s right or pleasurable. And thus, we live in a world of speculations. Yet, today I’m guessing each mortal will be able to find the so-called “right way to live.” At least I’m hoping he or she will.

            And, it seems that most of us are fortunately worldly-wise enough to formulate some sort of acceptable existence. Still, it’s the case in our real world that such an existence must be one that’s commensurate with all the keepers of lawfulness, order, conformity, and probably other attributes of current life, including blandness, have decreed necessary for the achievement of a satisfactory passage of time.

            And shouldn’t we all want peace on planet Earth? And shouldn’t we all condemn anyone’s ideas of what an exciting or fun-filled lifestyle may be, if such ideas threaten the overall well-being of mankind, or at least force its individual citizens to subsidize the results of those ideas?  

            And today, as every day, I’m seeking peacefulness and well-being. And I’m contemplating what I should do now in the present, and eventually in the future to assure the world I see and know today exists without war or disaster. And sometimes it seems the achievement of such goals is easily accomplished. And what I should do in relation to my fellowman seems so evident then. But other times my mind tends to function in a mode which directs its thoughts toward confusion and disorder. And then I question all I’m doing in the present. And then I ask:  “Am I really fulfilling the roles which certainly divine Masters have set forth for me; or am I failing myself, my God, and all of mankind?”

            And there are days when, initially at least, my mind fails to break free from remnants of the past as quickly as I wish it would. And then sometimes, at such times, I feel it necessary to construct false worlds or fake existences with questionable lifestyles, all in an attempt to simply gain an acceptable focus upon what I know is really, at that time, the reality of the situations I’m currently facing in the undeniably real world.

            But there are also instances when my attempts to connect with the real present aren’t completely successful. And then, at those times, as I futilely seek the everyday commonplace orderliness of life which is usually (but not always) easily accessible, I begin to believe it will never be spring again. And in my thoughts then I see an existence in which life will go on in existential coldness. And it appears to me then as if for the rest of my temporal days I’ll be looking back upon all that was. And then I need to admit that right then, right at that moment I should try to look upon a time in which I was happy, or at least in which I thought I was. And then I search to reclaim the world as I knew it then. And sometimes I succeed in such reclamation, but other times, such as today, I fail. And just now, due to that failure, I’m experiencing a sense of horror derived from a mental phenomenon in which it seems all the components of existence are tightening in upon me more and more. And oh, I look out the window at autumn, but I see instead a false, yet vapid portrait of winter which, I fear, somewhat contributes to the state of consciousness I alluded to in the last sentence.

            And God, my mind is troubled, but my soul is shocked! And I’m so afraid my current paranoia portends what I may know and experience throughout eternity, i.e., endless time spent where Lucifer reigns supreme. Yet, I have an answer to those fears. Every day I pray on bended knees for two resolutions; one temporal, and one eternal. And for this current time I ask that you might return Renni, or be returned to me; and for everlasting time I ask that my Master will take me to his side eventually.

            And yet, sometimes it’s difficult to imagine that all former mortals who enter paradise apparently share an equal joy there in eternity. And there’ll be there, it’s said, no differentiation made between those who during their earthly lives worked hard for, and those who did little for the kingdom. But Renni, that’s one oh so significant aspect of our life today - we don’t know everything about our second life to come!

            And, as another very real, and very temporal phenomenon, I can’t imagine why Ralph would wish to send Rashon and I off on what he terms “road excursions” at this time. While we’re wondering what’s become of the loves of our lives doesn’t seem to be a propitious time for us to be journeying about. And, besides that, Ralph won’t even tell us who chose the various sites which we’ll visit. It must have been his superiors from his native earthly reality, but Rashon and I don’t know that for certain. Maybe Ralph himself decided where we should go.

            Nonetheless, Rashon and I will be leaving tomorrow to visit a number of famous and non-famous locations; and apparently Ralph wants us to report to him from each site we journey to. And Ralph has told us that four of those reports will be included as chapters in the book “The Students Of The Highway,” but he’s not told us which ones they’ll be; and I’m guessing that at this time he doesn’t yet know that himself. Nevertheless, I know Rashon and I will be thinking about you and Amber as we journey about. Please return home soon.