Constuctive Critism Please!

Here's the first part to my story. It's not the whole first chapter, I just thought I'd put it up anyway. So please help.



“Jen, I really don’t want you going out tonight,” my mom informed me once again. “You’ve heard about all those young girls being kidnapped.”
“Mom, I’m sixteen,” I exclaimed, looking in the hallway mirror, frustrated with the strand of my curly (and annoying) brown hair that wouldn’t stay down. “I’m not a kid anymore. I can take care of myself.”
I saw my mom come up behind me and felt a stab of guilt when I saw her worried expression in the mirror. Making my tone gentler, I turned around, hugged her and said, “I’ll be fine Mom. It’s just a little party at Mikeys house.”
She pulled away. “Who’s Mikey?” She had her eyebrow raised and her hands on her hips.
I grinned. “It’s just Sarah’s older brother. And where’s Dad? Isn’t it usually his job to worry about my relationship with boys?”
“He’s still at the shelter. He called to say he wouldn’t be home ‘till late. Something about a sick stray."
That’s one thing I admire about my father. He’s always helping animals, domestic or wild. He’s always working, even if he doesn’t have his uniform on. I’ve learned a lot about how to handle animals from him.
I heard a car horn outside. “That’s Violet.” Violet’s my best friend. We’ve been friends since fourth grade, when she got my stuffed wolf, Toby, back from a group of fifth grade boys who wouldn’t give me him back on the first day of school. I could trust Violet with anything.
I gave up on my hair and ran to the door. I slipped on my heels, yelled a final goodbye to my mom who had walked into the kitchen to answer the phone, and ran out the door.
When I got into Violet’s silver Honda Civic, I saw her beautiful, dark blue silk dress. I was strapless, and it fit her body perfectly. At her knees, where it ended, the edges had white ruffles. With her long, straight black hair and brown eyes, it was sure to make any guy drool over her, which is just what she liked.
I looked down at my faded blue jeans and black shirt with a giant red lily in the middle. Maybe I should go back and change.
But Violet was already driving away. “Hey Blue Eyes,” she said cheerfully. Violet gave me that nickname because of my “dazzling” blue eyes. She says that almost everyone she knows says something about how beautiful they are everyday. Yeah, right.
“Why aren’t you all dressed up? Look at you, wearing jeans and a T-shirt. I’m definitely not going to take you to the party like that. Let’s go back to my house and I’ll get you something decent to wear.”
“No, no. It’s ok. You’ll probably be the only one wearing anything like that anyway.” I pointed at her dress. She’d probably like to be the only one. There would be more people noticing her.
She laughed. “Wouldn’t that be funny? I’d feel so embarrassed.”
The rest of the ride went on with only the sound of the cars low rumbling that signaled it needed a tune up. When we finally arrived at Mikey’s, I was astonished. I had never been to this house before, and I had heard they were rich, but I’d never imagined that they lived in a mansion!
It was gigantic. It was the size of my house both vertical and horizontal. It had all sorts of trees and plants surrounding it, and when we drove up to the door, (which was, like ten feet tall) there was a young man in a red suit that looked to be about a year older then me. He had curly blond hair that hung over his eyes. But I could see those green eyes light up when he saw Violet emerge from the car.
She smiled at him as she handed him the keys to her car. He took them, mouth slightly open. He looked as if he were about to say something, but he just slowly shook his head and walked to the car.
Two more of the staff opened the door for us and another led us down the hall. There were (what I thought to be) ficus’s every five feet and pictures of the family hanging all over the walls. There were also about fifty paintings of meadows and forests and trees (what is with these people and plant life!).
When we reached the end of the hall, I could hear the music blasting behind the big metal doors. I opened the doors and thanked the staff girl and she bowed slightly and told us to have fun. I thanked her again, feeling awkward.
The actual party was apparently supposed to be in the (gigantic) living room since that’s where all the decorations were, but it had spread throughout the entire house. For what I could see, there were over fifty people in the living room alone. Spread throughout the house, there were about fifty more, all dancing and having a good time.
What I had predicted had been wrong. Every single girl there was wearing something fashionable. Most were wearing shirt skirts with a low cut shirt, but some were wearing dresses somewhat similar to Violets. I glanced at her, and I could see a bit of disappointment in her eyes. I smiled. Your plan didn’t work out so well, Violet.
But then I remembered that I was the one who was different from everyone else. Oh well. I turned to Violet to tell her I was going to the food table, but she was already making her way to a group of boys. I grinned. Typical Violet.
I reached the food table which was full of all types of treats, including cookies, brownies, cupcakes, candy, and all sorts of sodas (Yum!) and found my other friends, Sandy and Sarah, Mikeys sister.
I was cramming a chocolate chip cookie into my mouth when Violet walked over.
“Hey Sarah,” she said after saying hi to Sandy. “I went to the store to get some of that rootbeer that everyone loves so much but you never seem to get, and on the way back I saw the most absolutely GORGEOUS guy sitting outside that pizzeria down on Maine Street. And he was playing the guitar! How hot is that?!”
The way she said ‘hot’ made me think of how I pictured my perfect guy. I’ve had a dream multiple times of a guy with chocolate brown hair, a perfect muscular body, and the most amazing emerald green eyes. In the dream we were just sitting under a tree cuddling and kissing. Every time I think of it I get chills.
“Anyway,” Violet continued. “I hope you don’t mind but I invited him to the party. I couldn’t help myself. He’s just so cute!” She hugged herself, probably picturing him in her arms.
“No, of course I don’t mind.” Sarah said smiling. “In fact, I’d like to meet him. He sounds like a real hunk.” She giggled on the last word.
Violets smile widened. “That’s perfect! He’s right over this way.”
She pointed toward the group of boys she had been with earlier and started walking. Sandy and Sarah started walking with her but I was going to stay behind and take a seat in one of the big comfy couches on the other side of the room (all those sweets had really taken a toll on my stomach) but then I heard Violet say, “Jen, where are you going? Don’t be a party pooper! Come meet him!”
I sighed, turned around and started walking toward her. She smiled at me and I smiled back at her. She seemed very excited about something. Could she really like him this much when she just met him? Who knows? He could turn out to be a complete creep.
But as we walked up to meet him, he looked more like a Hollywood movie star than a sleazy New York streets kind of guy. He looked almost as great as my dream guy. Almost. I could see why Violet liked him so much. He had deep, brown eyes and shoulder length dirty blond hair.