Authors, Writers, Publishers, and Book Readers

Helping Verbs

Here is a paragraph with, I believe too many helping verbs. Please note it is a first time draft...

Feeling a sense of relief, Katherine turned right at the sign indicating cabin 13. The drive was long and bumpy, surrounded by thick brush. Visibility was less than a quarter mile. Beyond that point, dark gray clouds were rolling in from the west swallowing the forest whole. Katherine slowed down as the dense woods opened up into a large area introducing the log cabin which was sitting back near the edge of the cliff. Lining the front of the structure was an open porch with two wicker rocking chairs, tipped over leaning against the wall near the door. Windows were abundant. The overhang of the porch along with the roof was constructed with thick wooden shingles. Twigs and pine cones lay scattered about. The side of the cabin was knotty pine, tarnished by the weather. A stone fire stack centered the outside wall next to the matted ground of the parking space. Stacks of crisscrossed logs in square bundles were piled high near the fire pit on the side of the property. Lining both sides of the area, near the cliff were tall Northern Pines with jagged branches, fifty feet off the ground. In the dim evening light, the branches looked like fingers of the forest reaching out to clutch the sky. The sky was large; larger than in the cities, it was laced with white and gray clouds devouring the reddish-orange under tones of the setting sun. Evergreens and barren tamaracks peppered the forest. Shallow dips and mounds of underbrush deepened the rough terrain. It reminded Katherine how life might have been at the turn of the century. She didn’t want to know. She enjoyed room service, indoor plumbing, and all the comforts of home. She gazed around the property looking for an outdoor toilet. Thank God there wasn’t one.

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Permalink Reply by Anna L. Walls on September 2, 2011 at 4:55am

Yeah, you're right - it's too wordy. Try this:

Katherine sighed with relief when she spotted the sigh pointing her to cabin 13. The lane, however, was surprisingly narrow, crowded by thick brush that choked visibility. She was forced to slow to a crawl or the lumpy, winding trail would shake her car apart. Though the drive wasn't far, it seemed to take an eternity, and then suddenly there it was. Sitting back near the edge of the cliff, the small log cabin looked so inviting. two wicker rocking chairs occupied a full sized porch and the many windows promised a cheery interior, a welcome shelter from the threatening storm rolling in from the west.

(new paragraph here)

As she lugged her bags from the car, she was pleased to see how solid the place seemed to be, a safe shelter to weather the worst storm. Heavy wooden shingles covered the room and the knotty pine logs were grayed from many years of weather, and a stone chimney promised a warm fire to keep away the chill and damp. And to feed that fire, a comfortingly large stack of split wood was visible off to the side.

(new paragraph here)

Surrounding the clearing were towering Northern Pine trees looking like dark fingers reaching up to claw at the lowering clouds. There was so much space. What with the wide open skies and the vast view beyond the cliff, there was far more space than she was used to. As if to pick that moment to show off, the setting sun glowed below the dark storm clouds, setting them on fire with orange and red. She wondered what it was like living back at the turn of the century. She enjoyed room service, indoor plumbing, and all the other comforts of a modern home. The though caused her to look for an outhouse. She was relieved not to find one.

-----

Well, that's a stab. There's still plenty of 'was', and I left a few details out - I just didn't see those items adding to the scene. Make of it what you will. It's all just a suggestion.

Permalink Reply by Robert L. Allen on September 2, 2011 at 7:25am

I was attempting to eliminate the helping verbs, was and were, more than rewriting the paragraph, but thank you...

Anna L. Walls said:

Yeah, you're right - it's too wordy. Try this:

Katherine sighed with relief when she spotted the sigh pointing her to cabin 13. The lane, however, was surprisingly narrow, crowded by thick brush that choked visibility. She was forced to slow to a crawl or the lumpy, winding trail would shake her car apart. Though the drive wasn't far, it seemed to take an eternity, and then suddenly there it was. Sitting back near the edge of the cliff, the small log cabin looked so inviting. two wicker rocking chairs occupied a full sized porch and the many windows promised a cheery interior, a welcome shelter from the threatening storm rolling in from the west.

(new paragraph here)

As she lugged her bags from the car, she was pleased to see how solid the place seemed to be, a safe shelter to weather the worst storm. Heavy wooden shingles covered the room and the knotty pine logs were grayed from many years of weather, and a stone chimney promised a warm fire to keep away the chill and damp. And to feed that fire, a comfortingly large stack of split wood was visible off to the side.

(new paragraph here)

Surrounding the clearing were towering Northern Pine trees looking like dark fingers reaching up to claw at the lowering clouds. There was so much space. What with the wide open skies and the vast view beyond the cliff, there was far more space than she was used to. As if to pick that moment to show off, the setting sun glowed below the dark storm clouds, setting them on fire with orange and red. She wondered what it was like living back at the turn of the century. She enjoyed room service, indoor plumbing, and all the other comforts of a modern home. The though caused her to look for an outhouse. She was relieved not to find one.

-----

Well, that's a stab. There's still plenty of 'was', and I left a few details out - I just didn't see those items adding to the scene. Make of it what you will. It's all just a suggestion.

Permalink Reply by Anna L. Walls on September 2, 2011 at 3:51pm

Then take each sentence off alone and rewrite it.

instead of "The drive was long and bumpy" try 'the bumpy drive went on forever'

"Visibility was less than a quarter mile" try 'she couldn't see more than a quarter mile ahead'

"dark gray clouds were rolling in from the west" - 'dark gray clouds rolled in from the west'

etc. Sometimes working with a sentence out of context helps you see what changes you can make. But also, dividing it up into smaller paragraphs helps break your scene up into more dramatic bites. Gives you a chance to work some emotion in there.

Robert L. Allen said:

I was attempting to eliminate the helping verbs, was and were, more than rewriting the paragraph, but thank you...

Anna L. Walls said:
Yeah, you're right - it's too wordy. Try this:

Katherine sighed with relief when she spotted the sigh pointing her to cabin 13. The lane, however, was surprisingly narrow, crowded by thick brush that choked visibility. She was forced to slow to a crawl or the lumpy, winding trail would shake her car apart. Though the drive wasn't far, it seemed to take an eternity, and then suddenly there it was. Sitting back near the edge of the cliff, the small log cabin looked so inviting. two wicker rocking chairs occupied a full sized porch and the many windows promised a cheery interior, a welcome shelter from the threatening storm rolling in from the west.

(new paragraph here)

As she lugged her bags from the car, she was pleased to see how solid the place seemed to be, a safe shelter to weather the worst storm. Heavy wooden shingles covered the room and the knotty pine logs were grayed from many years of weather, and a stone chimney promised a warm fire to keep away the chill and damp. And to feed that fire, a comfortingly large stack of split wood was visible off to the side.

(new paragraph here)

Surrounding the clearing were towering Northern Pine trees looking like dark fingers reaching up to claw at the lowering clouds. There was so much space. What with the wide open skies and the vast view beyond the cliff, there was far more space than she was used to. As if to pick that moment to show off, the setting sun glowed below the dark storm clouds, setting them on fire with orange and red. She wondered what it was like living back at the turn of the century. She enjoyed room service, indoor plumbing, and all the other comforts of a modern home. The though caused her to look for an outhouse. She was relieved not to find one.

-----

Well, that's a stab. There's still plenty of 'was', and I left a few details out - I just didn't see those items adding to the scene. Make of it what you will. It's all just a suggestion.

Permalink Reply by Cleveland W. Gibson on September 2, 2011 at 4:13pm

Robert

I'm in the middle of editing my own novel. I noticed at once you underlined the helping verbs . Your paragraph also turned out to be a long one. Far too long for a description of a log cabin. IMO.

I suggest rather than underlining try highlight the helping verbs. Then sit back and see if the paragraph lights up like a Christmas tree on your screen. It is what any writer can do on their own. Use the same technique for poems and articles, flash fiction too.Take a count of the 'was' word . That's where you started.

Then look at the structure of the sentences. Build in tension whenever , and combine sentences. The joining of two associated ideas can eliminate the use of the helping word.

Consider, something for you to decide i.e. your sentence: "She gazed...looking...outdoor toilet." How might you tighten up? And the last sentence if you still need to lose, at least, one helping verb might become : "Thank the Lord she never saw one." So you might be one less helping verb better off than when you first started.

Good luck

Permalink Reply by Robert L. Allen on September 3, 2011 at 7:10am

Thank you Cleveland. I did hightlight the was's and weres but when I paste and copied it would not allow the hightlight through that's why I underlined. When I'm working on a piece, I do hightlight and take out as I can. I went on another web-site and asked the same question and found that the was's and weres are not helping verb but rather discription verbs, which some agreed were okay and other s agreed I should use other words...Was and were is past tense. In the paragraph above it is taking place at present time, which would be present tense. I really wasn't trying to change the discritpion as much as how to describe it without the was's and weres.

Here is what I have done so far, but I may not keep it:

Feeling a sense of relief, Katherine turned right at the sign indicating cabin 13. The drive was long and bumpy, surrounded by thick brush. Visibility was less than a quarter mile. Beyond that point, dark gray clouds had devoured the forest. Katherine slowed down and followed the dips and mounds of the rough terrain into the large open area where a small log cabin sat back near the edge of the cliff. Moving at a crawl, the sound of twigs snapping underneath the tires combined with the light breeze moving through the waist high field grass created the symphony of the forest introducing…

The ending is a bit poetic so I don't think I want that...

Cleveland W. Gibson said:

Robert

I'm in the middle of editing my own novel. I noticed at once you underlined the helping verbs . Your paragraph also turned out to be a long one. Far too long for a description of a log cabin. IMO.

I suggest rather than underlining try highlight the helping verbs. Then sit back and see if the paragraph lights up like a Christmas tree on your screen. It is what any writer can do on their own. Use the same technique for poems and articles, flash fiction too.Take a count of the 'was' word . That's where you started.

Then look at the structure of the sentences. Build in tension whenever , and combine sentences. The joining of two associated ideas can eliminate the use of the helping word.

Consider, something for you to decide i.e. your sentence: "She gazed...looking...outdoor toilet." How might you tighten up? And the last sentence if you still need to lose, at least, one helping verb might become : "Thank the Lord she never saw one." So you might be one less helping verb better off than when you first started.

Good luck

Permalink Reply by Robert L. Allen on September 3, 2011 at 7:32am

I do like the advise on the enotions, which is lacking in the paragraph...And I agree shorter paragraphs are also good, but so are longer paragraphs...I've read paragraphs that have taken the entire page. So I don't think the length of the paragraph matters as much as the meaning and emotion, so thank you...

Anna L. Walls said:

Then take each sentence off alone and rewrite it.

instead of "The drive was long and bumpy" try 'the bumpy drive went on forever'

"Visibility was less than a quarter mile" try 'she couldn't see more than a quarter mile ahead'

"dark gray clouds were rolling in from the west" - 'dark gray clouds rolled in from the west'

etc. Sometimes working with a sentence out of context helps you see what changes you can make. But also, dividing it up into smaller paragraphs helps break your scene up into more dramatic bites. Gives you a chance to work some emotion in there.

Robert L. Allen said:

I was attempting to eliminate the helping verbs, was and were, more than rewriting the paragraph, but thank you...

Anna L. Walls said:
Yeah, you're right - it's too wordy. Try this:

Katherine sighed with relief when she spotted the sigh pointing her to cabin 13. The lane, however, was surprisingly narrow, crowded by thick brush that choked visibility. She was forced to slow to a crawl or the lumpy, winding trail would shake her car apart. Though the drive wasn't far, it seemed to take an eternity, and then suddenly there it was. Sitting back near the edge of the cliff, the small log cabin looked so inviting. two wicker rocking chairs occupied a full sized porch and the many windows promised a cheery interior, a welcome shelter from the threatening storm rolling in from the west.

(new paragraph here)

As she lugged her bags from the car, she was pleased to see how solid the place seemed to be, a safe shelter to weather the worst storm. Heavy wooden shingles covered the room and the knotty pine logs were grayed from many years of weather, and a stone chimney promised a warm fire to keep away the chill and damp. And to feed that fire, a comfortingly large stack of split wood was visible off to the side.

(new paragraph here)

Surrounding the clearing were towering Northern Pine trees looking like dark fingers reaching up to claw at the lowering clouds. There was so much space. What with the wide open skies and the vast view beyond the cliff, there was far more space than she was used to. As if to pick that moment to show off, the setting sun glowed below the dark storm clouds, setting them on fire with orange and red. She wondered what it was like living back at the turn of the century. She enjoyed room service, indoor plumbing, and all the other comforts of a modern home. The though caused her to look for an outhouse. She was relieved not to find one.

-----

Well, that's a stab. There's still plenty of 'was', and I left a few details out - I just didn't see those items adding to the scene. Make of it what you will. It's all just a suggestion.