Comments needed :)

Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Robert L. Allen on August 24, 2011 at 7:36am

Great poem. I would suggest to read it out loud, the flow is up and down. A lot of feeling...Last segment, third line, I would write out the words, Your love is gone, gives it more power. Next sentence down I would take out (with me). Again great poem...

Permalink Reply by Pritha Chattopadhyay on August 24, 2011 at 11:27am

Thanks a lot Robert :)

Yeah true, "Love is gone" adds more power...will change that part :) 

The next one...well, I had actually wanted to stress my loneliness when I said 'Myslef with me'...it was sort of intended to show the absence of anyone else between me and myself...in that case, what would you suggest?

 

Thanks again for all your valuable suggestions :)

Robert L. Allen said:

Great poem. I would suggest to read it out loud, the flow is up and down. A lot of feeling...Last segment, third line, I would write out the words, Your love is gone, gives it more power. Next sentence down I would take out (with me). Again great poem...

Permalink Reply by Robert L. Allen on August 26, 2011 at 6:46am

 

There is so much power in that sentence (I stand a lonely self, a tired me...myself with me.)  A tired me empacks the sentence so deeply...I wonder if you said I stand, a lonely self, a tired me...myself , me. (And perhaps don't use a period.)  It allows the sentence to flow into the next...Again great poem, a lot of feeling...

 

The need was mine, to be with you, to stand up for you;

Now, the need's over, and it's only me without you.

Your love's gone, a love that was never meant to be,

I stand a lonely self, a tired me...myself with me.

My heart still aches inside, every moment my love re-born

But I am a no one, reminds he, the line has been drawn.

Pritha Chattopadhyay said:

Thanks a lot Robert :)

Yeah true, "Love is gone" adds more power...will change that part :) 

The next one...well, I had actually wanted to stress my loneliness when I said 'Myslef with me'...it was sort of intended to show the absence of anyone else between me and myself...in that case, what would you suggest?

 

Thanks again for all your valuable suggestions :)

Robert L. Allen said:

Great poem. I would suggest to read it out loud, the flow is up and down. A lot of feeling...Last segment, third line, I would write out the words, Your love is gone, gives it more power. Next sentence down I would take out (with me). Again great poem...

Permalink Reply by Michael C Bliss on October 1, 2011 at 6:45pm

love the metaphor of time from the point of view of drowning inside the hourglass. The second stanza was very powerful to me...the balance of expectations vs. Reality and the price we pay in between. Thank you for a glimpse.

Permalink Reply by Pritha Chattopadhyay on October 10, 2011 at 12:06pm

Thank u lots :)

Michael C Bliss said:

love the metaphor of time from the point of view of drowning inside the hourglass. The second stanza was very powerful to me...the balance of expectations vs. Reality and the price we pay in between. Thank you for a glimpse.

Permalink Reply by Jonathon Koerner on December 21, 2011 at 3:00pm

Wow, really like this, last part defiantly hits home strong. I think poems that are emotional and people can relate to are some of the best. Look forward to reading more.

Permalink Reply by Pritha Chattopadhyay on February 14, 2012 at 9:22am

Thank you so much Jonathon!

Jonathon Koerner said:

Wow, really like this, last part defiantly hits home strong. I think poems that are emotional and people can relate to are some of the best. Look forward to reading more.

Permalink Reply by Birgitta Abimbola Heikka on February 16, 2012 at 7:15pm

Nice poem.  Seems like you are mourning a lost love.  I enjoyed reading it.  Some history pulls one back; it's like an endless struggle (perhaps it's designed that way because someone wishes us to be lost forever).  I liked the first line (quite catchy).  However, I did not like the last line very much; that is, the words before "the line has been drawn."

Permalink Reply by Pritha Chattopadhyay on November 29, 2012 at 4:26pm

Thanks a lot for your valuable comments Birgitta...

I would like you to elaborate more on the last line...how could it have sounded better do you think?

Birgitta Abimbola Heikka said:

Nice poem.  Seems like you are mourning a lost love.  I enjoyed reading it.  Some history pulls one back; it's like an endless struggle (perhaps it's designed that way because someone wishes us to be lost forever).  I liked the first line (quite catchy).  However, I did not like the last line very much; that is, the words before "the line has been drawn."

Permalink Reply by Birgitta Abimbola Heikka on November 30, 2012 at 6:23pm

Hi Pritha, it's been a while when I reviewed this poem.  I read it over again this time and I guess perception changes with time.  Don't know what I was thinking then but the last line flows with the rest of the poem.  It's a good poem and I enjoyed it better--reading it this second time around.  Good luck.

Permalink Reply by Pritha Chattopadhyay on December 1, 2012 at 2:41pm

Thanks so much :)

Birgitta Abimbola Heikka said:

Hi Pritha, it's been a while when I reviewed this poem.  I read it over again this time and I guess perception changes with time.  Don't know what I was thinking then but the last line flows with the rest of the poem.  It's a good poem and I enjoyed it better--reading it this second time around.  Good luck.