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Deprivation

On a moonless night with no sign of a breeze

Feeling my way through the bushes and trees

With eyes that strain for some source of light

I make my way through this endless night

Trying to understand what I 've done

That keeps me here so far from the sun

Longing to feel the warmth of it's rays

To once again know the passing of days

Some times in the darkness I fancy I hear

The faint sound of voices that never draws near

Blindly I follow them into the night

Wishing somehow to make everything right

In hope of atonement for my transgressions

I'd gladly give all my earthly possessions

If in exchange I could finally see

A new day dawning for me

This is new. I just finished it .Please tell me what you think.Thanks,Keith

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Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Shira Loustaunau on June 15, 2011 at 2:37am

Sounds like a powerful rendition of a new awareness and strength. Hope prevails in your poem. S.

Permalink Reply by Robert L. Allen on June 15, 2011 at 3:29am

Nice piece...How about making the first and third sentence rym and the second and forth rym. I personlly do not writte rym poetry, but you do very well...

Permalink Reply by Cleveland W. Gibson on June 15, 2011 at 11:19am

It is an interesting poem hot of the press and there lies a slight problem. Throughout the poem questions arise for the reader and never get answered. Take a look at verse 1. There are many questions there and in any changes to the original it can be suggested finding those answers.Once reasons appear,natural ones, the poem will blossom. That's when editing will make a difference.

Why can't somebody sleep? What worry will keep them out walking in th middle of the night? Can't be vampires and the paranormal stuff?And in the last verse what is the reason for 'regret' ? You see the problem now.

Best wishes

Cleveland

Permalink Reply by Shira Loustaunau on June 15, 2011 at 2:44pm

All in all, I see a moment in time, subjectively; meaning it is ambiguous for a purpose. The only answers for one reading would be the title, Deprivation. If they like the rhyme, great; if not, alright; not the particular reader I think the poem is reaching out to. It is very simple as such in rhyming, but the quality of meaning is one soul, one place, one moment with no answers; hence, deprived. S.

Cleveland W. Gibson said:

It is an interesting poem hot of the press and there lies a slight problem. Throughout the poem questions arise for the reader and never get answered. Take a look at verse 1. There are many questions there and in any changes to the original it can be suggested finding those answers.Once reasons appear,natural ones, the poem will blossom. That's when editing will make a difference.

Why can't somebody sleep? What worry will keep them out walking in th middle of the night? Can't be vampires and the paranormal stuff?And in the last verse what is the reason for 'regret' ? You see the problem now.

Best wishes

Cleveland

Permalink Reply by Birgitta Abimbola Heikka on June 17, 2011 at 8:23pm