Authors, Writers, Publishers, and Book Readers
Help! 'No Masks'
Okay, I hope you don't mind... I wrote this poem awhile ago now and I've tweaked it a lot, but I still can't seem to make the middle part sound right... thoughts/suggestions would be gratefully received! ( the part I'm struggling with is underlined).
No masks
A beautiful woman stands in a room, no one turns to stare, not many people realise she’s there.
Over taken by vanity, nothing inside, she's not the kind of woman that ever tries to hide.
But the guys all want her; they know that she’s game, when they take off her clothes she’s just left with her shame.
She might not be clever, might not win every fight, but she’s taking off the make up, the mask; she wants to be herself, tonight.
He wakes up beside her, can't remember last night but he knows something went wrong and they got into a fight. So his wife sits at home crying, afraid all night, she sits in the bedroom alone, he calls in the morning crying as well, asks her forgiveness he's sorry he fell. “Please forgive, and forget, I can't live without you, you mean twice as more than she could do.”
She was just a beautiful woman, standing in a room, though people turned and stared, they didn't really notice her there. She was over taken with vanity, nothing left inside, but she’s had enough and she just wants to hide. Guys want to touch her because they think that she’s game, but when they take off her clothes there is nothing left but shame.
She might not be clever, might not win every fight, but she’s taking off the make up, the mask and the lies; she wants to be herself, tonight.
She wants a lover to be more than a friend, and she wants this vanity to come to end. She doesn't want the guys to just use her then leave, but through the years she’s come to believe that she’s just an empty woman standing in the world, when they all turn and stare, they don’t really see her there.
But with no make up, no mask, without telling no lies, she can be herself, she may not be clever and she don't win no fights but boy if she could be herself, they'd all stay, yes if she could be herself, just for one night.
No masks
A beautiful woman stands in a room, no one turns to stare, not many people realise she’s there.
Over taken by vanity, nothing inside, she's not the kind of woman that ever tries to hide.
But the guys all want her; they know that she’s game, when they take off her clothes she’s just left with her shame.
She might not be clever, might not win every fight, but she’s taking off the make up, the mask; she wants to be herself, tonight.
He wakes up beside her, can't remember last night but he knows something went wrong and they got into a fight. So his wife sits at home crying, afraid all night, she sits in the bedroom alone, he calls in the morning crying as well, asks her forgiveness he's sorry he fell. “Please forgive, and forget, I can't live without you, you mean twice as more than she could do.”
She was just a beautiful woman, standing in a room, though people turned and stared, they didn't really notice her there. She was over taken with vanity, nothing left inside, but she’s had enough and she just wants to hide. Guys want to touch her because they think that she’s game, but when they take off her clothes there is nothing left but shame.
She might not be clever, might not win every fight, but she’s taking off the make up, the mask and the lies; she wants to be herself, tonight.
She wants a lover to be more than a friend, and she wants this vanity to come to end. She doesn't want the guys to just use her then leave, but through the years she’s come to believe that she’s just an empty woman standing in the world, when they all turn and stare, they don’t really see her there.
But with no make up, no mask, without telling no lies, she can be herself, she may not be clever and she don't win no fights but boy if she could be herself, they'd all stay, yes if she could be herself, just for one night.
Replies to This Discussion
-
Permalink Reply by Callie Leah on
-
Wow. That was beautiful. It was very insightful and if there was an emotocom for applause, I would use it. You have real talent.
-
-
Permalink Reply by scribbler on
-
Cheryl for now what strikes me right away is the length of the sentences. Try condensing them. When sentences get too long, the point gets diluted. Readers forget what happened at the start.
He wakes up beside her, can't remember last night but he knows something went wrong and they got into a fight.
Could be rewritten as
He awakens beside her, can't remember last night. Details hazy of their terrible fight.
That's one way to rewrite it although I find rhyme distracting. I was just giving an example. I'll leave that to you. Here's food for thought on the rest.
So his wife sits at home crying, afraid all night, she sits in the bedroom alone, he calls in the morning crying as well, asks her forgiveness he's sorry he fell. “Please forgive, and forget, I can't live without you, you mean twice as more than she could do.”
Do you need to say she's at home and in the bedroom? Because if she's in her bedroom, we know she's home. That can be shortened and the meaning will come across equally well.
Think about a way to illustrate she's afraid instead of telling us she is. Shaking, shivering, trembling for example - all demonstrate fear. I think showing always works better than telling. -
-
-
Cheryl, did you get around to revising this any further? I think it's an interesting piece and wondered what you'd done with it.
-
-
Permalink Reply by Cheryl on
-
It has taken a long time! But I did eventually get around to reworking this... let me know what you think? And thank you so much for your help all those months ago!
No Masks
Mesmerizingly beautiful she stands by the bar, no one turns to stare – not many people realise she’s there. Over taken by vanity, not much inside, she’s not the type of woman who ever tries to hide. Still all the guys want her and they know that she’s game, but as they take off her clothes, she's left with nothing but her shame.
She knows she isn’t clever, might not win every fight, but she’s taking of all the makeup, the mask; she wants to be herself tonight.
He awakens beside her, can’t remember last night, details hazy of their terrible fight. “Please forgive and forget,” he cries down the phone, “I can’t live without you, and I want to come home.” While he talks to his wife, she tries not to cry, soon it will be over and she’ll move on to the next guy.
Breathtakingly beautiful she can’t bare anymore, though people turn and stare, she knows they don’t really notice her there. They see someone over taken with vanity, nothing left inside; well she's had enough and just wants to hide. Guys try to touch her, they assume that she’s game, but when take off her clothes; they only leave her with shame.
They don’t think she’s very clever, and they might well be right, but she’s taking off the makeup, the mask and the lies; she wants to be herself tonight.
She wants a lover to be more than a friend, and she wants this false vanity to come to its end. She’s so sick of guys who just use her then leave; she’s just an empty woman – that’s what she's come to believe.
She knows she’s not clever, don’t win many fights, but with no makeup, no mask, without telling any lies – if she could be herself – they’d all stay, she knows it would all be alright, if she could be herself, just for one night.
scribbler said:Cheryl, did you get around to revising this any further? I think it's an interesting piece and wondered what you'd done with it. -
-
Permalink Reply by Cleveland W. Gibson on
-
Cheryl
I'm new to this site and the poetr group.
Have you finished your poem? Perhaps you have and published it.
If not what might you ask readers to look at in your poem?
Ask again. I'm from the UK , the Cotswolds.
Best
Cleveland
Award winner; celj.org
-
-
-
Hi Cleveland,
Thank you for taking the time to read my poem. I have re worked it, you can see it at http://ihavethesewords.blogspot.com/, my blog if you would like to see the revised version. I will be posting other works that I need some advice with soon. I have written many since this one! Unfortunately I haven't had it published, but that is something I'd like to look into in the future.
:-)
-
-
-
Cheryl said:
Hi Cleveland,
Thank you for taking the time to read my poem. I have re worked it, you can see it at http://ihavethesewords.blogspot.com/, my blog if you would like to see the revised version.
Hi Cheryl
Thanks for the reply and info on the blogspot. Your poem is cool on the screen and I think it has potential. My aims are always to see work published. I'm already reading and doing a light edit .Can we be friends? Then I can send my thought on your poem in a message (for your eyes only). That's funny as Ian Fleming lived in the next village to me.
I'll carry on and wait to hear back from you.
Best
Cleveland
:-)
-
Sponsored Links
Most Active Members
Publishers Weekly
NPR Books
NY Times Book Reviews
© 2024 Created by Authors.com.
Powered by
