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lonely teardrops

Streaming streaks of tears rolling down my cheek.

This harsh world leaving me languished and weak.

Stranded alone wondering when i'll prevail.

Tired of following the same bumpy tore up trail.

Anger burning down deep in my heart.

No matter what I try I can't extinguish the spark.

Anxiety sets in as I begin to cry.

No one to turn to so I ask myself why.

Bewildered I sit and stare.

All my emotion blown away lost in the air.

I feel my soul being dragged by demons.

Horrified and screaming but no one seems to care.

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Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Robert L. Allen on May 27, 2011 at 7:58am

Great poem...Try reading it out loud and eliminate the words not needed, such as the forth sentence down, I would take out (tore up). It breaks the flow. Seventh sentence down I would take out (sit and). The tenth sentence down, I would take out (blown lost). Sometimes eliminating words make the piece stronger. As you know the last two sentences don't rym. I hope you don't mind the constructive criticism.

Permalink Reply by Justin Randolph on May 27, 2011 at 6:51pm

Thank you for your advice thats the reason I put my poetry up so I can get feedback and better myself. I actually just started writing poetry not to long ago. I will be posting more so if you ever have any recommendations it would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

Permalink Reply by Cleveland W. Gibson on June 7, 2011 at 12:18am

Justin you've been given good advice by Robert Allen. I applaud your effort. Poetry in the making is always entertaining. And with Robert passing on his worthy advice and help I am sure you will appreciate what he is saying. Good luck.

Permalink Reply by Cleveland W. Gibson on June 8, 2011 at 12:17am

Justin, I read your poem again. What is missing is the name of whatever causes the trouble. Without a name the reader has nothing to 'hook' your lines of poetry to. I'd suggest 'war' is as good as any reason for writing your poem.It might account for the tears, loss,,etc.

Best

Permalink Reply by Robert L. Allen on June 8, 2011 at 7:34am

I think it's about breaking up or losing somebody. That doesn't mean, War, would not make for a good title. I usaully title my poems with something from the last line such as with this poem, perhaps ( Seems to Care) or

(No One) perhaps even (Screaming).

Permalink Reply by Cleveland W. Gibson on June 8, 2011 at 11:32am

I agree breaking up or a personal loss might explain the motive for the poem, or at least the 'who' and the 'why.' Yet war as a general theme embraces many aspects relating to tears, and then there is care and 'no-mans land.'

Best

Permalink Reply by Justin Randolph on June 10, 2011 at 3:00am

Thank you once again. I Didn't take the title into that much consideration do you think it would help if i changed it. I wrote the poem feeling as if I was alone with no one to confide my sorrow.

Permalink Reply by Cleveland W. Gibson on June 10, 2011 at 5:48pm

Hi Justin,

I've made friends with you today. Good stuff.

Don't change the title. Leave it as it is until all other changes or suggestions are worked out.

I'll take a more careful look at your poem, line by line. Then I'll come back to yu.

Best

Cleveland

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