Moment Of My Demise

Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Cleveland W. Gibson on June 13, 2011 at 12:54pm

Justin there are far too many characters in such a short piece of poetry.

Concentrate on one topic and make that the theme for the whole work.

Then decide who will 'show' the story.

There is a burning need to shorten the lines and extract the meaning as clearly as possible.

You need to throw away the 'babies'. They are the words you cherish most but which will hold you back  like a block of stone.

Poetry is a lot of things.

Take the first line. why of why have you slipped in words that are simply not needed.

Thinking hard. Thinking laterally , outside the box will draw you to a better conclusion and achieved success.

As an illustration: First line. What does it mean? Ask yourself. Again and again. No harm in that.It helps change our mindset. Helps us write poems/poetry we can take out there on the street. Indeed anywhere.

The dilapidated state of my fate deprived of all harmony and grace.

What about:

My poor fate-left without harmony, that's not great,

 

it's not the best line but after all it's only a suggestion.

In poetry it is possible to 'condense' masses amounts of data into much fewer words. See what you can do with the rest of the poem. Line by line. Delete parts if you have to . It's a learning curve after all.

Best

Cleveland

Permalink Reply by Robert L. Allen on June 15, 2011 at 3:09am

 Justin. First of all, you do know you don't need ryms to write poetry. And I believe if your going to use ryming poetry, it is better to break the lines rather than rym in the same sentence. Please note!!! One word or more can create a large impact on a sentence.

 

Example:

 

The state of dilapidation

depriving harmony and grace

from the beloved mother and heavenly father

taking me away from the promise land

my body bending as a bow

brother

sister

hold me tight in bellow tears

for pride is lost in the night

and love is dear

upon my approaching demise

 

The ending needs something...

 

I tried to use only your words. You use a lot of words that are not needed. You can say the same things and stronger, some time with less words and sentencing. You do not have to identify yourself. For the reader wants to identify him or herself to the writing. One more thing I, personally, don't care for the word dilapidated. I think it is too weak for this poem. The poem has a lot of strength. In poetry, you must allow the writing to speak to the reader's heart. I hide in my work, therefore anyone strong enough to hear what I'm truly writing will understand the poem.

 

 

 

Permalink Reply by Cheryl on June 21, 2011 at 2:14am

Hey Justin, 

 

Great work!

I understand what the others are saying, however to a certain extent, I humbly disagree. I think that what you have written is a particular type of poem which is becoming very popular... fast paced, lots of words, free poetry. However, 'free' doesn't mean it doesn't need punctuation... I LOVE your first line, especially the first half, 

"The dilapidated state of my fate" - I love how it feels to say that sentence! However, I think you need to split that line as it needs some kind of pause (like a comma!) 

Having said that, I do understand what Cleverland means, there are some words that are just taking up space. Read it out loud to yourself and think about what you want your reader to take away. 

 

But please don't change the first line! :-D 

 

Best of Luck, 

 

Cheryl x