Poems and Pictures Game

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Permalink Reply by scribbler on November 24, 2009 at 11:21pm

Thanks Vivi! That makes me feel better. Sometimes things just don't work the way you think they will.

Viviana Arteaga said:

It's something I'd actually say lol Just kidding! But I understood what you meant and yes it was a very good line. Ja ja don't worry I see it in a slow moving movie form too!

scribbler said:

Viviana, thank you very much. :) I often do see it happening in my head too when I'm writing poetry. It's like a movie scene in slow-motion as each line comes to me.

Dang, now you all know how weird I am LOL. :)

What did you guys think of the "Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Do it. Don't." line? I was trying to put across that underneath it all she really did want him to do it even though on the surface she was saying don't. Honest answer time: Did that come across that way or not? I like to know what works and what doesn't. :)

Viviana Arteaga said:

Thank you Scribbler! I actually liked that line. Yours was amazing! I saw it happening as I read it!

Permalink Reply by scribbler on November 24, 2009 at 11:27pm

Hey, don't ever hold back on posting things for that reason. We're all friends here. :) Cheryl this is the second apology I've made today for overlooking things. Sorry I didn't see your poem before now. I like how it changes course midway with "My Mr Right stopped waiting; I stare where he used to be." That's a fantastic line right there. I think the "I knew he'd leave" line needs elongated a little perhaps to keep the rhythm going. That's my only suggestion.



Cheryl said:

Hey. So I wasn't going to post this 'cause reading your poems I can see we have some amazing talent on this board! But then I thought... who better to get some tips from? :-) ... same as everyone else... this is just a first draft. (it was supposed to be happy but erm...yeah they never go the way I plan! lol)

Mr Right

My Mr Right is waiting; I can see him on the peer.
Whenever he’s close I shiver, when he holds me it becomes clear.
My Mr Right is loving; To me he’ll always be true,
I can see in his eyes, He can’t tell any lies,
And it would kill him to make me feel blue.

My Mr Right is waiting; I watch as he looks at the sea.
When he kisses me I know he’s perfect, and we were meant to be.
My Mr Right is loving; I know he’ll never leave,
From the very first look, he had me hooked,
We have a love you could never perceive.

My Mr Right stopped waiting; I stare where he used to be.
I miss his kisses now, as I look at the vast empty sea.
My Mr Right is loving; another woman we knew,
I could see in those eyes, they were so full of lies,
He was bound to make me feel blue.

I knew he would leave…
From the very first look, he had me hooked,
We had a love he couldn’t perceive.

Permalink Reply by Cricket on November 25, 2009 at 11:19pm

i found this quite interesting, in fact it also inspired me in reverse to photograph some of my written works. Thanx!

Permalink Reply by Cricket on May 21, 2010 at 7:11pm

Kay, I have been working on this lil piece which was inspired by your post. I will upload it soon.:)

Cricket said:

i found this quite interesting, in fact it also inspired me in reverse to photograph some of my written works. Thanx!

Permalink Reply by Kay Elizabeth on May 24, 2010 at 6:13am

Great! I'll look forward to that, Cricket. Shoot me a PM when it's up, will you please? I don't want to miss it and I've been really busy with my husband being ill this last month. I'm being forgetful and will need a nudge. :)

Cricket said:

Kay, I have been working on this lil piece which was inspired by your post. I will upload it soon.:)

Cricket said:

i found this quite interesting, in fact it also inspired me in reverse to photograph some of my written works. Thanx!

Permalink Reply by scribbler on July 25, 2011 at 6:05am

I thought I'd bump this poetry game as we have more poets now and it's good fun! Please join in and/or comment. :)

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