An Alien On My Shoulder ...A short sci-fi story by Chuck Keyes

An Alien On My Shoulder

A short sci-fi story by Chuck Keyes

          Psychiatrist, Dr. Nancy Finnegan is excited to be starting her first day on the job. She feels lucky to have been selected out of so many to land a position at St. Mathews Hospital for the Mentally Unwell.

          This is one of the prestigious hospitals here in Texas, she thought while sitting in her new office, sipping her third morning cup of coffee, and admiring the view from her third story window. Tall green trees, a huge pasture dotted with cattle, each walking about searching for patches of the greenest grass. The hospital management has assigned sixteen patients for her to start working with, although she knows the number of patients will grow after her ninety day evaluation.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                             

          She's been given the first day to study her patient files. To know them before she meets them. A little more than half her assigned patients are committed here at the hospital. The rest are out patients, taking daily medications to help them deal with their mental illnesses. She's required to meet with her in-house patients daily, five days a week. She'll meet with her out patients not less than twice a month. All her patient visits are not to be less than one hour long.

          The day slowly drifted by as she attentively studied each patient file. The next file she opened to see a photo of a strikingly handsome man in his late twenties. His name is Spenser Delcourt. Her curiosity spiked upon reading that he's never been married. Most overly handsome men are quickly snatched up by the prettiest women who prowl the nightclubs like lusting wild animals. Maybe he's gay, she thought. I just can't imagine two men doing the nasty. I wonder what they do during foreplay. Maybe they have heroic Roman gladiator sword fights. Dueling penises on plush pink flowered satin sheets. She giggled for a few moments, and then she continued reading about Spenser. He was committed just yesterday morning by his boss and his parents. A signed court order for a thirty day mental evaluation. While she continued to read Spenser's file, her eyes repeatedly bounced back to his photo to gaze at his deep blue eyes, his wavy blond hair, his square chin, and his perfectly tanned complexion. Damn, she thought, he looks too handsome to be suffering from a mental breakdown. She flipped through the file to read Mr. Delcourt's history information. He's a Texas A&M college graduate. His profession is a bioengineer, and he's been working for the past four years at Emerald Heart Engineering, which is a medical device research and development company. Over the past two weeks, he's been reported as being neurotically delusional, claiming he's been seeing and communicating with an alien from another planet. The poor man must be suffering from an emotional breakdown, she figured.

          After reading Spenser's medical records, she learned he's never had a history of mental illness. I wonder what drove this handsome man to a breakdown, she thought. Pressure from work, his parents aggravating him, or maybe a girlfriend or boyfriend recently left him. Nancy became so engrossed in Spenser Delcourt that she scheduled him to be her first patient every morning.

          The next morning, while driving to work, Nancy thought about Spenser Delcourt's eye-candy handsomeness. She knows a relationship with a patient is totally forbidden, which would result in her immediate termination, and in all probability devastate her career. Why am I even thinking of this? she mentally asked herself. For some unknown reason my mind is overly inquisitive about Mr. Delcourt, and I'm sexually attracted to him as if he's a sex magnet. I'm an intelligent woman…I have full control over my mental faculties, she spiritually said to herself more than four times while parking her car and walking across the parking lot toward the hospital.

          By the time she reported in to management, grabbed a cup of coffee from the lounge, and gathered her thoughts, it was eight AM. Time to meet her first patient, Mr. Spenser Delcourt.

          A guard knocked on Nancy's office door and entered with Mr. Delcourt in tow. He escorted him to a large padded chair beyond her desk and commanded him to sit down as if he's a dog.

          "Dr. Finnegan, my name is Joe Blanch and I'm one of three security guards stationed here on this third floor. If the patient gives you any trouble, just push your remote panic button and I'll be in here quicker than you can scream the word help."

          "Thank you, Joe; I'm sure Mr. Delcourt will be a perfect gentleman."

          The porky rumpled guard approached Nancy. "Doctor, we do have some hostile patients living here. When I bring a hostile to you for their head session, they will be restrained with handcuffs, and I will remain in your office to guard them. That's my job," he said along with a sappy grin. "I will always protect you."

          "Joe, I'm overly thrilled to know you are my protector," voiced Nancy, "You may go now."

          "I'll be back in one hour to fetch Mr. Delcourt."

          After Joe left her office, she turned her attention toward her handsome patient. Hello, Mr. Spenser Delcourt. I'm Dr. Nancy Finnegan, and I'll be working with you during your thirty day evaluation."

          "I'm delighted to meet you, doctor, may I call you Nancy?"

          "Yes, I believe using first names well create an excellent doctor patient relationship."

          "It pleases me. I once had a girlfriend named Nancy."

          "Oh, were you in love with her?"

          "Yes…but normal love wasn't good enough for her. Like most women with perfect number ten bodies that make men unconsciously drool, she wanted to be worshiped like a Goddess on a mile high pedestal."

          "Oh…" She nodded her head while thinking Nancy may the one who drove him to have a mental breakdown.

          Nancy, what did you think of Joe the burly security guard? I think the hospital management found him standing out by the road, holding a hand printed sign that said I'll work for food."

          She was having trouble holding back her laughter. Spenser, you're certainly not afraid to talk, so that'll make our daily sessions run along smoothly.

          "Where's the relaxing couch I'm suppose to lie down on and confess my deep dark secrets?"

          "I prefer my patients to be sitting up and mentally alert," replied Nancy. "Do you understand why the Dallas court has committed you here for a thirty day mental evaluation?"  

          "I always thought this was a free country, but with a few signatures on a court document, my loving parents and my boss gave me this fantastic vacation here in this enchanting hospital, filled with loony cartoon characters."

          "Your parents care about you because they love you."

          "They're afraid I'm going to embarrass them. They think I'm crazier than a church mouse that moves to a sleazy nightclub. The problem is that nobody believes me!"

          "What don't they believe?"

          "Why do you want to know? So you can keep me locked up in this nuthouse forever. I've only been here for two days and I'm lonelier than I've ever been. I can't relate with my fellow patients. The roads in their heads all have dead-end signs."

          "Spenser, I'm here to help you go home," replied Nancy.

          Spenser laughed.

          "What's so amusing?" asked Nancy.

          "Will you please shut the hell up! I'm talking to the doctor!"

          "Excuse me," said Nancy along with a concerned expression.

          "I'm sorry for laughing. I just realized your last name is Finnegan, which is a fantastic Irish name from way back, but you resemble a gorgeous Chinese princess, maybe from China's Tang Dynasty. I would've expected you to have a name like Nancy Mung-chang Wong. Oh, I hope I didn't offend you."

          "No." Nancy shook her head. "The gorgeous part was a pleasant compliment. My father was Irish milk farmer and my mother was Chinese immigrant."

          "I see…milk and tea." He giggled. "It must have been your mother who gave you her genes."

          Nancy smiled. "My father gave me his Irish temper, and I'm forever trying to keep it under control."

          Spenser shot Nancy a handsome smile. "I'll take that as a warning to always be on your good side."

          "So please tell me what your parents don't believe?"

          "Nancy, did your Irish father ever tell you any bedtime stories about mischievous leprechauns?"

          "Dose your question have anything to do with my question?"

          "Yup." Spenser nodded his head.

          "Yes, my father enjoyed telling me leprechaun bedtime stories…along with large pots of shiny gold at the end of every rainbow."

          "Like a pain in the ass leprechaun, I'm being troubled by a little alien from another planet. He has a round hairless body, long legs, long arms, and a long nose. He also has frog-like eyes sitting on top his head as if they're floating. He's about five and a half inches tall, his name is Zarpy, and like a pirate's parrot, he's always perched on my right shoulder. He continuously antagonizes me with questions about my human emotions, such as love, fear, anger, joy, sadness, and all my secondary feelings. Twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week, he studies me, watching everything I do. I feel like a white lab mouse running through an endless maze."

          "Spenser, is this little alien currently perched on your shoulder?"

          "I said his name is Zarpy, and the answer to your question is yes, but you can't see or hear him. I think it amuses Zarpy when people think my brain cells are running amok."

          "Why can't I hear him?" asked Nancy.

          "Because he telepathically speaks to me inside my head. He has a piercing cartoon voice that's extremely difficult to endure! I'm constantly telling him to shut the hell up. It's like having Roger Rabbit living inside my head."

          "While you've been sitting here in my office, has Zarpy been talking to you?"

          "Yes." Spenser nodded.

          "What has he been talking about?" asked Nancy.

          "You!"

          "Me?"

          "Zarpy is curious about why you're hiding all of your female sex components under your clothing. He believes we should be running around naked like the lower life creatures living here on our earth. He wants to know if you'll remove all your clothing so he can see your female sex components."

          "Is that what Zarpy wants to see, or is it what you'd like to see?"

          "Hey, Nancy, I'm only relaying what Zarpy has been saying. Besides, you're wearing non-flaunt sexless clothing. Earlier, when you stood up to welcome me into your office, I did notice that your professional business suit is yielding some eye-catching curves. From what I could see, along with my imagination, I think you're hiding a hot sexy body, and if you were to show Zarpy your nakedness. I'm not going to close my eyes."

          "Spenser, I have no intentions of showing you or your alien my naked body."

          "Zarpy doesn't belong to me. I don't even want the little bastard. He's a pain in my ass! I know you don't believe he exists. I do wish with all my heart that you could see him sitting on my shoulder like a little red devil."

          "There's a little red devil somewhere in this office, but I'm sorry to say that your alien story is hard to believe."

          "So like my parents and my boss, you believe Zarpy is a figment of my imagination?"

          "Spenser, you're occupation as a bioengineer means you're an intelligent man. You must realize people are not going to believe what they cannot see or hear. Would you believe a person if they introduced you to an invisible Elvis Presley?"

          "No, but curiosity would force me to ask the person if he was the thin Elvis or the chubby Elvis."

          Nancy couldn't help but giggle for a moment. "Why would you want to know if Elvis is thin or plump?"

          "My mother, who's always been a big Elvis fan, told me he was brutally attacked by a chubby fairy on his way to one of his greatest concerts."

          "I definitely don't believe in chubby fairies."

          Spenser chuckled. "We're safe…they only attack middle-aged people."

          They both took a moment to laugh.     

          "Nancy, I'm not mentally unhinged or brainless. I know people don't believe me. Being that I'm the only one who can see or hear Zarpy, makes it extremely difficult for me to convince people. Actually, I haven't convinced anyone, although I could probably convince most of the crackers who live here."

          "They're called patients."

          "Yeah, I was referring to the patients, and I've spent time with them in the no-fun recreation center. It was a loony, loopy, loco, and whacky cartoon experience. I guess what I need to do is give some history of my alien first contact predicament. Besides my never-ending problem of choosing the wrong women, my life was near perfect up until twelve days ago, when Zarpy picked me out of billions of people to roost on my shoulder. Since then, I feel like I've been spinning in the bottom of a flushed toilet, waiting to ride the turbulent current down to s***-land. I keep telling Zarpy he's curdling my brain, but he says this is what he must do to learn about my life as a male human being. I can't even swat him off my shoulder like a big bug. My hand passes right through him as if he's a ghost…and no, I don't believe in ghosts! I think he's a projected hologram, like when r2-d2 projected Princess Leia in the first 'Star Wars' movie. He's probably projecting himself from inside his cloaked flying saucer that's orbiting around the earth."

          "Spenser, there's not much time left of our hour session. I'd like to know more about your girl friend who has the same first name as mine."

          "Why?"

          "Spenser, for me to help you, I need to know about all your past problems. Did Nancy recently leave you?"

          "Our relationship ended a little over a year ago. For many years, I tried to make the relationship work, but what the spoiled b**** wanted was a billionaire superman that'll cater to her every need, which including a daily supply of pre-rolled Columbian joints and five bottles of expensive champagne. Near the end of our breakup, we went to couples counseling at St. Mary's Clinic, but after a few weeks, the counselor whispered in my ear for me to dump Nancy like a sack full of decomposed tomatoes. …No, Zarpy, stop interrupting me! I'm not going to ask the doctor."

          "Ask me what?"

          "He wants to know if you're sexually attracted to me."

          "The only thing we have here is a doctor patient relationship."

          Spenser paused for a few moments to listen to Zarpy.

          "Zarpy says your female internal sex engine dramatically warmed up when Joe and I entered your office. Does this mean it was dumpy old Joe who sexually aroused you?"

          "God no! Nobody sexually excited me!"

          Joe knocked on the door once and barged in. "I'm back to fetch your patient." Joe scratched his bald head. "He's a new patient and I forgot his name?"

          "His name is Mr. Spenser Delcourt," Nancy said in a blushed huff.

          "Oh, yeah," Joe whispered, "that's the guy with an invisible alien standing on his shoulder. Later today, the alien wants me to answer a question."

          Looking even more upset, Nancy asked Joe what the question was.

          To help Joe remember the question, he placed his plump index finger in his mouth where a few teeth are missing. "The alien wants to know what kind of human being I am." He cupped his hands around his mouth like a horn. "I'm a grownup man." He giggled like a child. 

          Nancy stood up and said, "please, Joe, take Mr. Delcourt back to his room."

          Spenser handsomely smiled as he offered his hand to Nancy for shaking goodbye.

          While forcing a half grin, she boldly grasped his large muscular hand.

          He gently shook her hand, winked one of his gorgeous blue eyes, pulled Nancy a little closer, and whispered, "Yup, I bet old Joe could give you a sex filled night that you'll never forget."

          She yanked her hand away. "Mr. Delcourt, I'll see you tomorrow morning at eight PM sharp!"

          Following their departure, Nancy sat down and deeply exhaled. Did Spenser really know I was sexually aroused when he walked into my office, she thought. When I peered into his handsome blue eyes, noticed his muscular tanned arms, and gazed at his tall stallion posture, was there a flashing neon sign on my forehead? …Reading that I wanted to tear his clothes off and ride him until the sun sets twice!

          After Nancy's long second day on the job, dealing with patients and guards who were most likely past patients. She ate an early supper, watched the daily news on satellite television, and decided to soak her body in the bath tub. She ran the hot water, dumped in two tablespoons of sweet vanilla bubbly into the water, removed her clothing, and stepped into the tub. She imagined the feeling of the warm water as being the arms of a lover, pulling her against his bare chest. She tried not to think of him, but the face on her imaginary lover is Mr. Spenser Delcourt. He really believes a little alien named Zarpy is perched on his shoulder. He's a gorgeous ant farm without any ants, she thought along with a silly giggle. Zarpy! It sounds like a name for a rodeo clown.

          She was about to lay her head on her air filled tub pillow when the lights went out. "Oh damn," she shouted aloud. "What else could go wrong today?"

          "I turned off your lights."

          "Oh my God! Who are you?" There was still a little dusky daylight shinning in through the bathroom window. She frantically looked around, but there was no one in site.

          "My name is Zarpy. I'm Spenser's friendly alien, although he has trouble dealing with me."

          "This is impossible!" cried Nancy.

          "How can this be impossible?" asked Zarpy. "I'm talking to you and I know you can hear me within your female head."

          "I've never heard of anyone catching a mental illness from a patient."

          "I'm not a mental illness!"

          "What do you want?" demanded Nancy.

          "I already have one thing that I wanted."

          "What was that?"

          "I wanted to see your naked human body. Although it doesn't impress me at all. I'm at wits end trying to figure out why human men and women become sexually aroused when seeing each other's nakedness."

          "There's love too." she voiced.

          "Love, smudge, all the cosmic animals in the universe do it for fun!"

          "Why are you here?"

          "My assignment is to learn about human behavior. The important topics are sex and emotions. Your world seems to be overly sexed. …Go baby, go baby, sex sells everything!"

          "Oh my God, this can't be happening to me."

          "Do you want to see me?"

          "I don't think so."

          "I'm a cute little alien with a big bag of tricks. I'm naked, but you can't see my sex organs because they're in my mouth. Spenser says if humans were created with their sex organs in their mouth, than a kiss wouldn't be just a kiss. He also said something about nasty Aunt Daisy who's always trying to kiss him on his lips."

          "What do I have to do to see you?"

          "Just hold out your hand so I can place a glob of heatless fire on your palm, thus activating your vision so you can always see me. There's no pain involved."

          "Are you going to torment me like you've been doing to Spenser?"    

          "Me a tormenter. Here I am being a friendly alien who wishes to make first contact with you, and you're calling me a tormentor."

          Nancy nervously held her hand out with her palm up. Like magic, a bright yellowish flame arose from the center of her palm. Amazingly, she couldn't feel any burning, and the flame actually felt soothing.

          "Nancy, I'm right here, standing on your naked shoulder."

          Nancy turned her head. "Yes, I can see you. You look exactly like what Spenser described. A round hairless ball with long legs and arms."

          He posed as if Nancy was going to take a photo of him. "See, I'm a cute little alien."

          "I suppose you are in a weird way. Are your eyes attached to the top of your head?"

          "I'm here, but in your reality I'm not completely here, which does make my eyes appear as if their floating above my head."

          "I don't understand?"

          "Nancy, you don't need to understand. My race is much more technologically advanced than yours is. The only thing you need to know is I'm here to study and learn about you and Spenser. Just think of me as a first contact guest."

          "Right now I think of you as a strange little peeping tom. Do I need to hold this heatless fire forever?"

          The bathroom lights came back on and the heatless fire magically disappeared.

          "Happy now?" asked the little alien. "I hope you're not going to be as hard to deal with as Spenser."

          "I don't understand why you need us to learn about my human race. You can learn everything by surfing the Internet."

          "Nancy, I already have all your Internet data stored in micro crystals. My learning requirements must be close and personal with you and Spenser. I know you're both sexually attracted to each other. What I need is to witness a human male and female relationship that'll develop into a lustful throbbing bond of sexual activity."

          "What the hell are you, a cupid matchmaker?"

          "If that's what you desire me to be. I know you and Spenser are lonely human beings. After Spenser's terrible experience with the Nancy female in his past, he's been afraid of starting a new relationship, so every night he sits at home and wishfully looks at naked women on the Internet. And here you are, Nancy, taking a bath all by yourself because your career is more important than sharing your life with a handsome sex partner."

          "How do you know this about me?"

          "I'm an alien. I know and I learn."

          "Okay, I think I understand what's going on." She paused to add more hot water to her bath. "You want to pimp me out to have a sexual relationship with Spenser so you can study us. I suppose you'll want to watch everything we do within our relationship."

          "Yes…yes, that's my objective. For you two amazing humans to have a relationship I can study. Based on  information I gathered from your Internet, I know how relationships work. First, the lustful sizzling sex…then some commitment…emotions of love may develop, along with a baby growing in your belly, and a wedding ceremony that’s usually followed with a horrible divorce."

          "Zarpy, your concept of a relationship is a bit mixed up in the eyes of religion, but painfully truthful in reality."

          "So tomorrow you're going to attract Spenser by flashing him your naked breasts?"

          Nancy feels that she needs to take control of their conversation. She stood up, stepped out of the tub, and wrapped a towel around her water wrinkled body. She walked into the bedroom and sat down on her makeup desk stool. Surprisingly, she can see the little round alien in her mirror, perched on her shoulder like a parrot. Now it's easier to look into his round frog-like eyes without getting a creak in her neck. "Zarpy, I'm positive that all I need to do to attract Spenser is to give him a hot sexy smile while licking my lips. But, being that I'm a professional career minded women of the twenty-first century. I'm not going to be pimped without making a substantial profit."      

          "Profit…profit…what do you want?" 

          "First, what we need to do is establish a trade agreement."

          "How about if I offer you important information," said Zarpy. "Do you want me to describe Spenser's naked male body? He has two muscular arms, two muscular legs, and a long…"

          "No…no! What I want is some of your advanced alien technology."

          "Nancy, you're driving a hard bargain!"

          "Yes, and that's why the day is coming when a woman will become president of the free world. My human race is still using fossil fuel as their major energy source. What we need is an economical replacement of safe clean energy to power our vehicles, homes, and factories."

          "Every alien race on the who's who list of tiptop intelligence knows that burning energy from the black mucky remains of dead creatures is corky technology. For an endless supply of clean and safe energy, my race uses frosty-fusion reactors. I like to call the process of frosty-fusion, low nuking without scorching the planet. I'll give you three reactors along with detailed information to easily manufacture them."

          "Yes, my schooling and career has always been number one in my life. I only dream about having hot sexual relationships with handsome men like Spenser. Besides my drunk-fest Las Vegas weekend with a sex inquisitive lesbian girlfriend, I'm almost a virgin, which makes my flawless body worth five hundred dollars an hour in bed, so what I need is five frosty-fusion reactors."

          "Okay! It's a done deal. Are you positive Spenser will accept our three-way relationship agreement?"

          "I'll bet my sexy body on it," replied Nancy.

          The next day, Nancy entered her office with her morning cup of coffee in hand. To give her sexy smile a boost, she decided to wear a much more revealing outfit, showing off her hot curves, and her deep valley of the king's cleavage. She also left her brownish red hair hanging down, seductively flowing over her shoulders to the center of her back.

          "Zarpy, Spenser will be here in a few minutes for his session," voiced Nancy. "I'd like you to be silent. Let me do the talking."

          "Okay, but I activated his vision with heatless fire, so he's going to see me standing on your shoulder."

          "That's okay."

          Joe the security guard knocked on the door, entered, and escorted Spenser over to the large padded session chair. "Good morning, Dr. Finnegan," Joe said upon noticing her cleavage, which made his teeth missing smile widen from ear to ear.

          "Thank you, Joe, and there's no need to return in an hour. My session with Mr. Delcourt may run over, so I'll be escorting him back to his room."

          "Yes, doctor, Joe said as he exited the office.

          With an ass swaying walk that would make a dead man sit up and take notice, Nancy locked her office door. She gracefully twirled around, strolled back to her desk, and sat down in her leather chair.    

          Spenser's blue eyes are wide and vibrant. His expression is similar to a child staring at his wrapped gifts under the Christmas tree. After a long moment of gazing upon Nancy's oriental attractiveness, his expression darkened when he saw Zarpy perched on her shoulder. The little alien excitedly waved to him without saying a word.

          "Good morning, Spenser," said Nancy, "how are you on this fine morning?"

          "Besides being here in this nut hotel, I've been having a wonderful time without Zarpy perched on my shoulder, bugging me with his dumbass questions."

          "Oh, is Zarpy gone?"

          "Yup! …I really like your outfit."

          "Thank you, Spenser; I wore it especially for you."

          "Why for me?"

          "You didn't like what I was wearing yesterday. It was too Mother Teresa for you."

          "It was the little pain in the ass alien who didn't like your business suit. He's been destroying my life, and because of him, I was playing with you. Before Zarpy appeared with his heatless fire, my life was normal."

          "I don't think so," voiced Nancy. "You were a lonely man, afraid to step into another relationship, and your only salvation was a nightly display of Internet porn, along with Mary Palm and her five spinster sisters."

          "Oh, you know about that," he said with a grim face. "…Look at him perched on your shoulder with a s***-eating alien grin. He's the one who told you what I do in private. Here I am in the cuckoo's nest while Zarpy abandons me to sit on the shoulder of the most beautiful woman I have ever seen in my life! He's always going to be with you, in the shower, on the toilet, and during whatever private self-sex time you enjoy."

          "Really…I'm the most beautiful woman you've ever seen?"

          "Oh yes, Nancy. You're way beyond beautiful, and I'd sell my soul to the devil for just one passionate kiss."

          While displaying a sexy smile, Nancy stood and approached Spenser. She grabbed his large hands and pulled him up out of his head session chair, then she wrapped her arms around his muscular body, firmly pressing her perfect breasts against his chest, and she whispered in her ear. "For a kiss, would you sell your soul to Zarpy?" Spenser felt her warm breath on his ear, and it ignited his inner core with a flash fire of lustful desires.

          "Yes, Zarpy can have my soul, and you can have my heart." They kissed, lips pressed against lips, and their tongues met in a succulent waltz of heated passion. After their long kiss, Nancy said, "Spenser, you don't have to sell your soul to anyone. To love each other will make us rich beyond our dreams…and it'll be fun."

          "Don't forget about me," yelled Zarpy.

          "Oh yeah, Zarpy is included in our upcoming relationship filled with unlimited lustful sex. We can think of him as being our little pet Chihuahua who likes to watch us while we're making love."

          "I can live with that."

          "Spenser, today is my last day on this awful job, and being a doctor I've already signed the legal documents to release you from this funny farm. Help me slide these chairs together."

          "Why?" asked Spenser.

          She kicked off her dress shoes. "Honey, after a kiss like that, I'm on fire, so we need to make a bed out of these damn chairs."   

The End!

© November 2011