No One Talks About Until...

Today I walked into a room filled with heartache and pain fear of the unknown crept inside as the here and after life crossed everyone’s mind.

You stand there searching for just the right words yet no magical words appear and the lump forms right in the middle of your throat.
Then before you realize it several hours have past and it still does not seem real to you or no one else...

The 3 to 4 waiting days are indeed the longest in your life and then there is everything that you have to do and then you sit in the funeral directory's office putting it in order of how it is all going to go down even how it should read in the paper and all those choices you get to make even a card for a memory sake keep card, you know the one that tells your name your birth date and your death date and all the information needed, and usually something special on the front and something out of the Bible inside or something catching maybe what you chose,

Sitting in that chair, you are completely numb and not really thinking at all, yet your mind is racing right along with the beating of your heart as you feel every fiber in your body like you have never felt before. Answering all of the funeral directory's questions and watching him write everything down as if he already does not know what he is doing!

Then it seems that people come out of the woodwork and have all kinds of things to say, like you really need to hear or even care! Inside though you are wishing for them to just shut up and move on to the next person, although none of us would ever admit that! We all have that mask, that front mask we all seem to know how to wear well, and may I add really so well at that!

We all put on our brave front and act like it is happening to someone else and not us at all. Then we talk about how much better off they are and to me it is odd that everyone seems to think when who ever dies everyone goes to Heaven and is there forever! But that cannot be true according to the Holy Bible.

But most of us just sit and listen as they go on and on about how they are their! And because you do not want to upset them anymore than they are you just sit there and smile and every once in a while say, yeah, uh hun, mum and hug them...

And really you just want to say stop! Enough! How exactly do you know? But, of course we never do.

Then the first showing, you go in not really knowing what to expect and you have to make yourself go in and play your part and we all have done that to one extent to another...

We put that brave most fake smile on as if we must be brave and show no emotion for that would be a crime you see. Finally the showing couple of hours has ended and then you all go out to eat, yeah as if you could eat and then you arrive and look over the menu and see something that one that is no longer alive would have loved to eat and tears fill your eyes as you put your face closer to the menu and do all you can not to let those tears fall out of your eyes!

Then just to be done you order something like a Cheeseburger with fries and a coke, finally your food is there and you do eat but really you don't taste it and everyone is just chattering on and on about everything and you sit there wanting to say man shut up but instead you sit in silence and make eye contact and smile and continue eating while you cry ever so on the inside.

Soon it is time to go back to the showing as there are two in one day usually and your mind is just racing and you are so numb and it is as if you have step outside of your body and you are now watching yourself though it seems that it is not really happening to you! You just can't believe it...

Then after the second round and you are totally numb and you can no longer stand being there any long. And now you have to go home, and driving home in the car listening to every song on the radio as tears fill your eyes but you still will not let them fall out of your eyes! But you just sit in silence and listening to every word of each song but do not remember a one of them to tell one person.

We just can't let others see us cry, no way, no how we are prideful like that aren't we? It seems to be the longest drive home and it seems as though you catch every single red light and everyone seems to drive even more stupid to you, or even maybe way to slow.

Finally upon reaching your home you just walk through the door and your telephone begins to ring and it seems to keep doing that and it is so like right off the hook and it is amazing all the things others can come up with to say yet you can not come up with one magical word, not one! This is one of the longest evenings of your life, and you seem to notice every little thing like how it always rains when someone dies as if it is sealing the deal or something like that!

Even people you have not talked to in umpteen years suddenly has plenty to say to you and you sit there halfway listening and wondering if they will ever just shut up! Of course we would never admit to that, now would we? Just like what we would really like to do is get away from everyone, turn the radio up full blast and just scream, while others want to find things to gripe about and brings things up rather they be good or bad and talk, talk, talk and talk you know what I mean?

Then before you realize it, the big funeral day is here and you have to make yourself get ready, like who enjoys this kind of good-bye right? Kind of leaves a sick feeling in the pit of your stomach when you hear someone say I can't wait for this person or that person to die, I mean those who do they say that but then when it happens those ones are the first to be boohooing and saying oh I loved this one I really cared about this person and all you really wanna do is reach over and slap'em right across there face, but you don't!!

Then it is time for the funeral to start and there you sit numb and finally you may let a few tears out but you still hold in everything as you notice everything round about and everything seems to bother you though you will do your best not to let it show... You don't remember what single song was, you don't remember one single word the preacher said all you are is numb.

On your way to the grave site, Man it is the most longest ride in your whole entire life it almost feels like you will never reach the place and then you finally do and there your are just sitting there a lot more closely now looking at this casket and all the flowers and the h*** and thinking this seems so final as another piece of your heart seems to have another big h***, something else none of us seem to talk about either and numbness feels your whole body...

Then you have to leave as if you could stand...

Finally and you have no remembrance of how you make it to your car and it is another long drive as you finally make it to the house where everyone is going to as if you really want to but go anyway... The feasting and the jibber gabber begins almost none stop yet you can not think of one single magical word to say as you hear yourself say yeah, unhummmmmmm nodding your head and making yourself smile....
Finally you get to leave which is what you wanted to do before you even got there in the first place...

Then you have to go to where everyone is going after the grave site and tell all there little stories as if you really want to hear them heck half the people there really didn't want the person around so really what is the point? And really you want to say that but you don't you just paste on that fake loving smile you have learn so well how to do and nod your heading or maybe give a loud laugh hoping silently it will soon end...

Finally you make it home and then it really starts...

Like the phone has not stop ringing every since you got there and you sit there not even really listening to the person on the other end, not that you mean to it is just because you are so numb and in so much unbelief that this has even happened even though you know good and well that it has.

It seems like the numbness will never wear off and you do all you know to do to keep it all together especially in front of others, but in your bedroom, your closet, your bathroom you can not control it and then the anger that rises up inside of you and you don't know quiet what to do with it...

Then with each passing day your life starting getting back to its normalcy and the numbness begins to slowly stop but that place in the heart will never stop...
And then when you just first start to breath someone else ups and leaves and all those feelings come rushing back double force with each passing blow!

You now wonder will it ever end and then you think who might be next...

and then slowly but surely with a lot of time passing you finally start to breath but in the back of your mind you still are wondering who is next and the nulling question of why will not leave at all and there never seems to be any answers what so ever...

You slowing begin to get into the stream once and yet again and just when things are finally rolling and you are slightly starting to feel a live someone else slips away again...
Here is something for thought:

People will always do two things to you:

One: They Die on you and Leave you
Two: They just leave like get out of your life
so, either way you get hurt...

Do you take the chance and really let people in and have a full life or do we leave all those guards up and only live halfway ya know what I mean like that glass noone ever really wants to admit...

That glass is either full or half empty, but I have never once heard anyone say, the glass is completely empty have you?