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Professor Archibald Stompover ...A short sci-fi story by Chuck Keyes

Professor Archibald Stompover

A short sci-fi story by Chuck Keyes

Professor Archibald Stompover stumbled through the doorway into his engineering lab. He's carrying four large totes filled with supplies, and the top tote is hanging over the edge, balancing, about ready to fall. "Oh my goodness," the professor said to himself in his high-pitched voice. Thinking he can reduce the distance of how high the top tote will fall, he slowly lowered himself down onto his knees while balancing the totes. Unexpectedly, the top tote fell directly on his head, knocking him over, flat on the floor with the totes sitting next time. "Oh dog poop," the professor sputtered while rubbing a big bump on his head.

"Professor, why are you sprawled out on the floor?" asked Dr. Janet Higgins.

"Would you believe I'm looking for my lost contact lens."

"Archie, you don't wear contact lenses. You told me they irritate your eyes."

"Oh, yes…they do. Well, that's good…because now I can stop looking for something I don't own." With a groan, he stood up. "Why are you here, Janet?"

"I've been sent here to get an update on your matter transfer project."

"Why?"

"Because the committee is upset with you. During this morning's meeting, many of the member's referred to you as a Trekkie nerd with dreams that run far beyond your intelligence."

"I'm very close to being successful! Yesterday I actually transferred an awesome plastic model of the original Starship Enterprise. It traveled from one transfer pad to the other, although I had to glue all the starship's plastic components back together because the adhesive didn't transfer with the model.

"Archie, what you are is more than a year overdue on this project…and your more than six hundred thousand dollars over budget!"

"Janet, I've always considered you to be my friend," voiced Archibald while displaying a sad facade.

"Archie, I am your friend, and that's why the committee selected me to start a fire under your butt. Too much time and money has been invested in your project, and they need results, not failed experiments. Five years ago, you were the one who convinced the college that you could develop a Star Trek transporter that'll actually beam matter from one place to another, and now they want results."

Archibald shrugged his shoulders. "Beam me up, Scotty, everyone has lost their faith in my intelligence."

"Archie, this is no joke. If the committee doesn't see any results by the end of the month, they're going to shut you down."

"They're only giving me twenty-one days?"

"Yes." Janet nodded.

"That's not fair," whined Archie. "I've put too much of myself into this project to have it pulled out from under my feet!"

"I'm sorry, Archie, for being the one to deliver their message."

The professor shot Dr. Janet Higgins a half smile. "It's okay, perhaps with a few computer programming adjustments I can meet their deadline."

"That's what I want to hear," excitedly said Janet. "Make the committee wealthy; make Texas proud of you!"

Archibald animatedly waved his hand. "Janet, you need to leave now so I can go to work."

"Okay, and I'll be looking forward to viewing your success."

"Yea, me too!"

"Now don't you accidently turn yourself into a house fly." Janet waved goodbye on her way out.

Archibald triple locked the lab's door to prevent anyone else from bothering him, and then he sat down on his high back stool in front of his transporter console, and immediately began to reprogram the powerful computer he designed.

For the next twenty days, like a hermit, Professor Stompover hasn't left his lab. He spends most of his time fervently working on his transporter project. Like clockwork, every six hours he takes a three hour catnap on an old sofa in his office, and when he wakes up, the first thing he does is pop a half dozen Hot Pockets in his microwave. He enjoys eating his favorable Pockets while sitting at his desk, gazing at his wood framed Star Trek portraits of each famous captain. His fantasy superheroes from earth's future, James T. Kirk, Jean Luc Picard, Benjamin Sisko, Kathryn Janeway, and Jonathan Archer.

Okay, to save my dignity and my career, this transport test has to work, Archibald thought as he set the transporter time delayed controls. He ran over to the transfer deck and positioned himself on center of the round pad. After nervously taking in a deep breath of air, his body dematerialized.

Archibald materialized in the middle of a huge parking lot that's filled with vehicles having no tires. A loud horn sounded and Archie jumped out of the way of hovering vehicle speeding by, almost brushing against him. In amazement, he watched the near ground flying vehicle exit the parking lot and turn onto a main road to join in with high-speed traffic.

Archie walked across the parking lot toward the nearest high rise building. His mind is running wild. He knew he was risking his life when he bravely decided to be his test subject, but to end up somewhere in the future was unexpected. This is my life, he thought, I set out to design a Star Trek transporter, and it winds up being an H.G. Well's time machine! He approached the building, passing by a stone statue of Sam Houston, strangely sculptured with angels kissing Sam's boots. Archie read an electronic sign above the doorway, titling the building as a Neural Link Learning Center. As he passed through the automatic doors, stepping into a gigantic lobby, a loud alarm sounded along with red flashing lights.

Four flying robots surrounded Archie, each pointing at him what looks like a science fiction laser weapon. The robot's hovering bodies are shaped like large tin cans with bright blinking red lights circling around the outer upper and bottom edges. The robots have globular basketball size heads, and their arms and hands are human shaped. Each robot is staring at Archibald with its three telescopic eyes having different size camera lens.

"My dear robots, is there a problem?"

A human guard stepped up to Archie. "Yes, there is problem. You don't belong here!"

"I'm sorry, but I just arrived here from the past."

"Yes, you must think I'm stupid. Not having an implanted identification chip means you are not a Texas citizen."

Two police officers materialized in front of Archibald. One reached in his pants pocket, pulled out a thin electronic card, and handed it to Archie. "Sir, here are your Miranda Rights. Do you require time to read them?"

"No." Archie shook his head. "Please, just write me a ticket so I can be on my way."

"I have no idea what a ticket is! I'm charging you for trespassing on planet Texas. The only place you're going is to a global detention center, where you will be held for trespassing, and interrogated as being a Democratic spy."

The other human police officer placed an electronic pair of handcuffs on Archie's wrists, and then the officers stood next to the professor while they transported to the nearest global detention center, materializing inside an interrogation room.

Archie looked around to see no windows, bare gray walls, one long table, and three chairs. Mounted on the walls are video cameras, microphones, and bright spotlights pointed directly at the prisoner's chair sitting at the far end of the table.

One of the officers shoved Archie toward the table, almost knocking him to the floor. "Trespasser, sit your ass down in this chair and place your hands flat on the table."

Archibald followed the officer's orders. His electronic pair of handcuffs stuck to the table top as if their being held down by the world's most powerful electromagnet. "Why are you being so mean to me?"

"I hate illegal aliens trespassing on planet Texas. When Texas was a US State, my ancestors were plagued by illegal aliens slithering across the Mexican border like rattlesnakes, stealing their jobs, and taking advantage of their welfare and free schooling programs. The worst thing about it is the US government frequently turned a blind eye toward the illegal aliens."

"I'm not an illegal alien. I'm a Texan just like you!"

"You're a Democratic liar!" shouted the officer while he finger flicked both of Archibald's large ears.

"Hey, that hurt!" Archie snapped while remembering his high school days when the jock bullies would flick his ears and call him a nerd with chimpanzee ears.

The two arresting policemen exited the interrogation room without saying goodbye; leaving Archie alone with his unsettled thoughts.

I must've traveled hundreds of years into the future. They have flying robotic guards, hovering electric cars, and they can transport people to and fro. Although, this future is beyond preposterous, he thought. I don't understand why the police officers refer to earth as Texas. The future is supposed to be more like Star Trek. A united earth controlled and protected by the Federation. He yanked on his handcuffs. Where's Mr. Spock when you need him!"

A half hour later, a detective entered the room and sat down at the table facing Archie. He placed a briefcase and a cup of hot coffee on the table.

Archie noticed the detective is wearing a cowboy hat, a western style tan suite, and pointed leather boots. "Sir, I'm your court appointed interrogator, Detective Clint Ironwood. Everything you say during this fact finding integration will be used by your appointed defense attorney. Your answers to my questions will also be used against you by a United World Texas prosecution team of attorneys."

"Detective Ironwood, I haven't done anything wrong."

"Sir, not having an implanted identification chip unquestionably proves that you're guilty of trespassing. What's your name? If you lie, the truth sensors will detect it, and set off an alarm."

"I'm Professor Archibald Stompover, inventor of your matter transporter systems, Archie replied while displaying a self-important expression."

The detective removed a small laptop computer out of his leather briefcase and proceeded to search the professor's name on Texas Google. Many minutes passed by while he read the search results. "What you claim is blasphemy against our great western God, Sam Houston! Professor Archibald Stompover was a renowned Texas inventor, who lived more than four centuries ago, shortly before the great State of Texas succeeded from the Union during the Obama Financial Riots, and eventually conquered planet earth."

"I am the real Professor Archibald Stompover. If I weren't, your lying alarm would be sounding off. I accidently time traveled here from four centuries in the past."

"That's ridiculous," sputtered Clint. "The truth sensors must be malfunctioning! What I believe is you’re a spy from one of the colonized terra-formed planets or moons. I know you're not from planets China, Moscow, Israel, New California, or Moon Muslim." The detective paused to offer Archie a sly grin. "Perhaps you're from planet Massachusetts. Only those damn Democratic blue-bloods would have the audacity to place a spy here on planet Texas. Especially a spy with such a ridiculous cover story."

"Is there a picture of me on your Apple Computer?"

"Yes, and you do resemble Professor Archibald Stompover, but it's only a ten minute process to surgically mold your face. Thousands of Texans have had their faces altered to match famous people from hundreds of years ago…such as Willie Nelson, John Wayne, and Dolly Parton.

"Please believe me. I am from the past. That's why I don't have an implanted identification chip. If I were a spy from planet Massachusetts, wouldn't it be brainless of me to be here on your planet without a forged identification chip?"

"Yes, that would be the logical thing for a clever spy to do; however, you do not look like a clever spy. You look like the nerdy classmates I pleasantly enjoyed picking on throughout my schooling."

"Yeah, I'm familiar with bullies like you."

Clint chuckled. "Growing up to be a badass detective allows me to happily continue to be a bully." He removed a communicator from his pocket and spoke into it. Within a few moments, a tray of hot food metalized on the table. "Lunch time!" announced Clint. "So I can eat in peace, I'd like you to keep your whining pie h*** shut."

"You're not going to give me anything to eat?" asked Archie.

Clint laughed for a moment. "Asking for something to eat only proves your stupidity. Obviously you can't eat with your hands locked down on the table."

With hunger pains exploding in his stomach, Archie silently sat there watching Clint enjoy his lunch. "Detective, excuse me. May I ask you a question?"

"Shoot!" he snapped between bites of his open face meatball sandwich.

"Within my essence, I've always believed the future would be similar to Star Trek, but this future is all messed up. How did Texas defeat all the countries on earth?"

Detective Ironwood smiled. "You're dang lucky I just happen to be a history buff. The great State of Texas conquered the earth by means of advanced technology. By joining with NASA, who lost their space founding because of a greedy far left government made up of slimy crooked politicians. Thanks to NASA, Texas deployed one hundred and twenty powerful, laser weapon satellites around old earth, and every country but Iran and North Korea were intelligent enough to surrender. Soon after, Texas and NASA achieved space travel, and after terraforming a half dozen planets, Texas allowed many countries to colonize these planets.

"What happen to Iran and North Korea?" Archie inquired.

The detective giggled. "Those two evil countries shouldn't have messed with Texas rednecks. After attacking with powerful swiping laser beams, the only thing left of Iran and North Korea was scorched land. Eventually, green grass grew on the land once belonging to North Korea, offering majestic cattle pastures for thousands of Texas pioneers. Hardly any vegetation grew back on the cursed Iran land, but today it's a Texas resort. Used for cross country dune buggy racing and having sex-driven redneck beer parties around enormous hell raising camp fires. Yes, we love our planet Texas…and we don't like unwelcomed guests such as the likes of you!"

"What started all of this?" asked Archie.

"I suppose it all started during the worldwide Obama Economic Riots. More than three million lives were lost during the three years of rioting. Luckily, Texas took control of the world with their laser weapon satellites, and the riots ended, saving many lives. The corrupt United States leaders mysteriously disappeared, never to be seen again. Rumor is, a mob of unhappy Texas redneck freedom fighters hung the US Government leaders from decorative White House chandeliers. Then they placed their bodies in half filled oil barrels and returned the barrels to the Arab oil suppliers for a refund."

"Unfortunately, I didn't bring any four hundred year old currency with me, but I'd be happy to do work to pay off my trespassing fine."

Clint belly laughed. "Obviously, you don't understand how serious your crime is."

Archie giggled like a silly little boy. "What are they going to do, stand me up in front of a redneck firing squad?"

"No." Clint waved his hand. "This is planet Texas. You'll be transported to Houston's wooden gallows located in the public square, where a strong noose will be placed around your neck. and you'll be hanged until your dead."

"Are you serious, they're going to hang me in public?"

"I'm as serious as a heart attack."

"I don't want to die!"

"You should feel honored. Your hanging will be televised around the world of Texas, most likely shown between reruns of our famous antique western religious shows, such as 'Cheyenne', 'Wagon Train', 'Gun Smoke' or 'Bonanza'."

"This is ludicrous! I don't deserve to be killed!"

"The law is what the law is."

"Well, I haven't been convicted yet," voiced Archie. "When do I go to court?"

"The prosecution rested on the fact that you have no implanted identification chip; therefore, your courtroom hearing is over and the jury is now in session determining your fate."

"But I never went to court!" sputtered Archibald.

"To save time, we combined the entire justice process within your fact finding interrogation," said Clint.

"This isn't fair!"

Clint's communicator rang for his attention. He removed it from his pocket and listen for a long moment. "That was quick. They probably did like your nerdy face. The jury is out, and the verdict is guilty."

"I'm an important inventor from your past. Hanging me will alter your existence, not that altering might actually help this screwed up future, but you may lose your matter transfer systems."

"Like a crooked politician, you were lying before, and your lying now."

"Please, I'm a good guy. I don't even step on bugs. I'm still a virgin!"

"Sorry, trespasser, but the hangman is waiting for you!" Detective Clint Ironwood pressed a button and Archie dematerialized. Upon materializing, he found himself standing on the wooden gallows in Houston. The afternoon sun is hot and bright, casting down on hundreds of people crowded around the gallows, chanting "hang him, hang him, hang him like the lawbreaking alien trespasser he is!"

Archie noticed that many people are holding up signs, asking their leaders for a global force field fence to prevent illegal aliens from trespassing on their planet Texas.

A large man wearing a black mask placed a noose around Archibald's scrawny neck, and then he firmly tightened the noose.

The watchful crowd continued to chant as the hangman pulled a long wooden lever. The trap door under Archie's feet dropped open and he felt his body drop.

Professor Archibald Stompover loudly screamed.

"Professor," are you alright?"

"Did you break any bones?"

"Out of all my classes, only weird Professor Stompover stomps me over with laughter."

"I think he's taking a catnap."

"He's probably dreaming about Star Trek."

"Yeah, the Klingons are probably clinging onto what's left of his eccentric mind."

"Oh…look, he has a bump on his head."

"He screams like a frightened little girl."

"Stop teasing him! He might be seriously hurt."

"Professor, are you okay."

Archie looked up to see his engineering students looking down at him. After a deep sigh of relief, he said, "I'm okay."