Time After Time...

By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

The evening air has a nip in it.  Oh, how I love the cool evening air in the fall time.  To make it more special, I put on a nice sweather to make it feel cosier. 

Next, I fill the coffeemaker with water, coffee... I'm going to make hot coffee to enjoy.  I'll take my cup outside to sit at the table on the porch.

As I sit there, I look down toward the fish pond, see deer standing on the far side of it.  How beautiful the deer are.  I sit back in my chair, relax for a while to think...

Tommy... how I miss my son with my very heart.  I sit here wondering if I'll let myself think very long about... Tommy.

I see in my mind's eye... a tall, muscular, handsome blonde guy who stood six feet, three inches tall.  As he turns toward me, I see his blue-green eyes smile... it's like the sun coming out on a cloudy day.

I can hear in my mind his soft voice saying, "I love you, mama".  I can hear myself saying, "I love you too, Son".  In my mind, he walks away leaving behind a soft smile to warm my heart, leaving me to sit here to cry silently.

I miss you, Tommy.  I wish you were here.  My mind is distracted by deer moving, walking by the pond.  I sit here appreciating the beauty of life, I appreciate all that I have in life, I appreciate life.

Tommy... I always knew my son would be there as I grew older, knew he would outlive me.  The comfort it always brought to me when I used to know it to be true.  Now... I know I have only one special person left in this world... one person between me... and being alone in this world.

Skip... my precious husband, my best friend, my whole world.  Skip and our Pups, Kissy and Chadwick.  How thankful I am to have them.  I sit here thinking how fortunate I am to have them.

My mind is distracted again... the deer moving, walking.  I sit... my mind a blank for a few moments.  I look at the pond, see in my mind's eye the little fish who come to the surface when one walks to the edge.  They come to the surface knowing they are going to be fed pieces of bread.

I become aware of myself, my cup of coffee growing cold.  My elbow is on the table, my right cheek is resting in my right hand... my hand feels wet.  I think some tears have fallen there.

My eyes close as I let my fingers begin to rub my temple.  I rub my right eye hard.  I feel pain inside... I miss my son.  I wish my son was still living.

I stand up, pain going through my body from sitting too long.  I know I can't change a thing with wishful thinking.  Why do I go through this, time after time.  Why?