Today Is Lena's Birthday... My Systervan

I just read an email from Sweden, one of Lena's family members wanted to tell me that she is

also, thinking of Lena today.

Today is Lena's birthday... Lena is gone.  Lena died last year.  I sit here thinking back through the time since Tommy died... it's really hard to.  The pain blocks my thoughts... sometimes, I can go ahead and think about things, sometimes... I just can't.

Lena lived in Sweden.  We met online just as I was beginning to recover from surgery saving my life.  I was diagnosed with non-Hodgkins lymphoma, surgery was needed to remove a mass on the outside of my lung, resting on my heart. 

I almost died... I couldn't speak above a whisper, my air was being closed off.  I was in another world... that's the only time in my life I wouldn't have been afraid I'd die... I wouldn't have known the difference... fear wasn't known in the state my physical being was in... I was past that.

Lena... she and I began writing April 19, 1999.  We were like the closest friends, sisters.  We communicated every day, numerous times.  We thought so much alike.  She meant the world to me.  She called me from Sweden.. we giggled because though we couldn't understand each other... we actually heard each other's voices.  How we laughed!  It was wonderful.

Lena and I would take photos all around us, so that when sent to each other... we could put them together and really see how all looked at our homes.  We took photos when we were out and about to show each other where we shopped, where we went to eat....  We sent each other boxes of sweets, and gifts.  Once I painted a scene on a mailbox and sent it to her.  It was very expensive to send even the smallest gifts ... we did it periodically when we had extra money.

That's why I write today to remember Tommy, Lena... for my grandchildren to know of their father, and Granny Gee. 

When Lena died, I couldn't quit writing... we constantly wrote by email, postal mail.  When she died in August 2011... I grieved so much for her.  My hands... my fingers kept wanting to write to her.

In November 2011, I began my primary blog... I started off with silly things to write about.  I didn't know I'd actually keep my blog going.  Oh my.... I realized that I could no more stop writing each day on my blog than... I would stop breathing.  I've been writing ever since.

I've written about grief... it's something I know well... I can write about it as I've experienced it many times in the past 12 years... one by one of my most loved people died through this time.  Alot of them ..shouldn't have died, they should have had full lives... be living today.

Lena's gone now... I grieve for her.  I still cry for her, I miss her.  When Tommy, then... Lena... died... it did something to me.  I find that I worry about dying now... I have only Skip and our Pups... they are my world.  I don't want anything to happen to them.  They are my world, they mean the world to me.

I know I need to do alot of things, one being I should reach a frame of mind not to worry about dying, worry about different things.  I would like to do that ... I strive everyday with all inside me.  I really try to be the best I can be... I even tried to be 'perfect' years ago.  It really was a joke... no one can be perfect... I found that out.  :)))

Lena... I loved you my systervan... sister-friend.  You were as much of my life as Tommy, Skip and our Pups.  You meant the very world to me.  I will never forget you... I feel pain in my heart as tears fall from my eyes ...thinking of you.

Today is your birthday, Lena.  I'm thinking 'Happy Birthday, Lena'... you are missed by me, all of your loved ones.

Love din systervan, Gloria