Tell Me What You Think!!!

Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Robert L. Allen on October 13, 2011 at 7:36am

I don't think we have any of the folks left to follow through with your ending. I'm surprised to hear about the demonstrators who are protesting now. The youth of America today have had everything or most everything handed to them and I don't think they care. But they will someday...It's a poem that will raise some hairs...Well flowing and put together nicely...Good work...Please share more of your work with us...

Permalink Reply by Cleveland W. Gibson on November 8, 2011 at 11:38am

While they sit back in their kingdom

And count up all their wealth

Most of us are hungry

And more are in poor health

 

W.J.

Thanks for your note. I read it . Thanks for that again.

I also returned to read your poem. I enjoyed the sentiments.

A good mirror to my own , and the thoughts of others.

But sometimes , in the case of poetry, comes a kind

of revolution , something that catches our eye and we

stand firm to express the thought that must be said.

Your poem is about that sense of integrity. Hand on

heart we need to say certain things  otherwise how

might people know?

Now I'm sure you'd love it if somebody said with a

little light edit you can publish your poem. So how

to transform what you've written to a higher level.

At the top of the page I quoted your first verse.

You might study it again. Ask yourself can it be

made to look not 'easy' and if it can then how

might that happen? A usual way is to read through

one line at a time and 'copy,line and edit.' When

that is done it is always surprising what gems can

lurk within our own writing waiting to be discovered.

So, with your permission:

 

While they sit back in their kingdom(while is a 'soft' word. Change to As; and 'sit back' reads as 'govern')

And count up all their wealth(delete 'And  count' try 'Counting' as it is dynamic)

Most of us are hungry(Try:Forget us eternal hungry)

And more are in poor health(Ignore more in dismal health)

 

I'll leave you to work through the balance and with a light edit I'm sure you'll bet your poem published.  Best wishes and good luck.

Cleveland

(November plug: 'Enduring Freedom'  poetry anthology

for UK soldiers suffering  from COMBAT STRESS.

Poetry award winner 2011 , www.CELJ.org