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very good iambic tempo and rhythm
Very good indeed i love the refreshing theme on the end.
Beautifully written Pritha... It touches a place in my heart for the balance of grief and joy belong. Here's to sadness and moving on… S.
Hi Pritha
Your poem is good as it stands but might you take it to a higher level?
There are not many lines which makes it easier to add comments on the poem.
Is your poem 'easy'? Have you finished it? Have you published?Only you will know those answers.
However.
Consider the word 'last' as used in the first four lines.
Consider too of changing , each 'last' to another specific word. The first 'last' might turn into 'final'; the 2nd 'last' perhaps 'faint'; the 3rd 'last' might become 'end'; and the 4th 'last' turns into 'passed.' Also suggestion for first 'yet' is to turn it into 'soft'; and the 2nd 'yet' to turn it into 'when.'
Plus the penultimate line: change the first word 'And' into ' As' which is an action word.
Then the last line; 'And yet' wave the magic-wand and change it into 'perhaps.'
These are my suggestions. Give them a try and see.
Notice you are from India. I was born in Calcutta.
Best
Cleveland
Hi Pritha
Your poem is good as it stands but might you take it to a higher level?
There are not many lines which makes it easier to add comments on the poem.
Is your poem 'easy'? Have you finished it? Have you published?Only you will know those answers.
However.
Consider the word 'last' as used in the first four lines.
Consider too of changing , each 'last' to another specific word. The first 'last' might turn into 'final'; the 2nd 'last' perhaps 'faint'; the 3rd 'last' might become 'end'; and the 4th 'last' turns into 'passed.' Also suggestion for first 'yet' is to turn it into 'soft'; and the 2nd 'yet' to turn it into 'when.'
Plus the penultimate line: change the first word 'And' into ' As' which is an action word.
Then the last line; 'And yet' wave the magic-wand and change it into 'perhaps.'
These are my suggestions. Give them a try and see.
Notice you are from India. I was born in Calcutta.
Best
Cleveland
I like Cleveland's suggestions Pritha... they enhance and do not take any meaning away from the beauty of it. S.
Very nice Pritha!
The comparisons add a real twist to your poem. I like your writing.
regis schilken
The final drop of rainwater from the leaves...The faint ray of the setting sun...The end hues of a fading rainbow...
The passed notes of the final song...
...The last traces of my love lost...
Soft, it rains all over again,
When, the sun rises next day again,
Tomorrow, a new rainbow before long...
As, new melodies and rhythm in a new song...
...Perhaps, I love thee once again...WOW! that does sound more beautiful! Thanks for your suggestions, Clebeland!And wooohooo you were born in Calcutta? seriously??? guess what? I am born and brought up in Calcutta and it's my city! I am in Hyderabad for the last 4 yrs for work.Check out my blog on Calcutta, you might like it! And, add in your comments too :)
Hi PrithaYou are welcome. I'm glad you liked those suggestions. And I live at 53 Ripon Street , not far from the Lower Circular Road. Behind Ripon Street was the place where Mother Teresa worked. I attended St Xaviers College. Had lots of fun . In the summer we went up into the hills in Assam. Never a dull moment .You've painted a wonderful picture of Calcutta. I appreciate what you've written and there is so much more you've not mentioned. But it is that kind of city. It has a buzz. I loved it even though I've experienced drama there and left my own blood on the streets. I wrote my experiences(in a short story) under the title 'Bolero Considered.' I remember the Cinema and the vast indoor markets. Of course , then there were the police who called on a Sunday. Another story. Iron bars on the windows and the kite fling with glass powder on the string. Loved the evenings on the flat roof. And the cobras. It was fun.Best for nowClevelandIt is pure fun.
I like this poem. Are you writing about a lost love? It's touching.
Abimbola.
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