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Another poem: Honest comments please! They really help :)

With

I want
With a little cloud in my sky
A drop of rain
A handful of mud
The earth damp, yet dry.

I want
With a drop of a spoon
A clink of the forks
A broken plate
Yesterday's leftover food.

I want
With a ray of the sun
A dazzling morning
A broken dream
The sound of my clock's alarm.

I want
With a walk around our place
A gentle tug
A warm hug
A smile on your face.

I want
With a bruise in there
A touch
A feel
A mark left here.

I want
To leave
And, to live on
Forever,
With just you in my dreams...

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Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Cassidy A. Young on July 22, 2011 at 4:46am

I LOVE IT! Very interesting second lines, yet it still flows very smoothly. Beautiful!

Permalink Reply by Pritha Chattopadhyay on July 22, 2011 at 8:58am

Thank you so much Cassidy :) Keep reading

Cassidy A. Young said:

I LOVE IT! Very interesting second lines, yet it still flows very smoothly. Beautiful!

Permalink Reply by Pritha Chattopadhyay on July 22, 2011 at 10:12pm

Thank u so much :) Do keep reading and commenting!

Rege Schilken said:

Iloved the way you start each new stanza with "I want."

It ties the entire poem together.

regis schilken

Permalink Reply by Robert L. Allen on July 23, 2011 at 11:29pm

Wow again!!! The first segment and the third I would take out the word (my) thus allowing the poem not so personal. Open up the piece to others. When using my or I, it makes the piece personal, which in some cases is great. But you want the reader to relate, to think you are writing about them...

Permalink Reply by Birgitta Abimbola Heikka on July 24, 2011 at 4:34am

I like your poems. You have your own original way of writing--unique.

Permalink Reply by Pritha Chattopadhyay on July 25, 2011 at 2:32pm

:) Yeah, love influences poetry a lot!

Rege Schilken said:

Sounds like someone in love.

Very nice.

Permalink Reply by Pritha Chattopadhyay on July 25, 2011 at 2:33pm

Thank u :) and, thanks a lot for ur valuable suggestions :)

Robert L. Allen said:

Wow again!!! The first segment and the third I would take out the word (my) thus allowing the poem not so personal. Open up the piece to others. When using my or I, it makes the piece personal, which in some cases is great. But you want the reader to relate, to think you are writing about them...

Permalink Reply by Pritha Chattopadhyay on July 25, 2011 at 2:33pm

Thank u so much :) Do keep reading all the other poems as well!

Birgitta Abimbola Heikka said:

I like your poems. You have your own original way of writing--unique.

Permalink Reply by Cleveland W. Gibson on July 27, 2011 at 4:43am

My first impression is you've written a good poem. Well done.

Might I suggest you take each verse in turn and change as follows:

1. I want With change to Need:
2.. I want With change to Desire:

3. I want With change to Joy:

4. I want With change to Expect:

5. I want With change to Groan:

Last verse:

I want
To leave
And, to live on
Forever,
With just you in my dreams.. might become:

Hope:
To leave
And, to live on
Forever,
With love in my dreams..

See what you think. You'll probably have to pick a new title, that's the 'rub,'

See also comment made by Robert L. Allen about the use of my or I. You need to consider.

Best

Cleveland

Permalink Reply by Robert L. Allen on July 29, 2011 at 2:51am

Constructive criticism is always helpful! And yes a writer will learn from the heart but also from the help of others. Take what you need and let go the rest...

Rege Schilken said: