Authors, Writers, Publishers, and Book Readers

Can description be too descriptive

In a draft, I will write what comes to mind. And then rewrite and take out the unnecessary description. Below is a part of a paragraph, I have been working on. My character is sitting in a car looking out over the property. Which I think is still over done...Let me know what you think and also how you prevent over description...

Carpeting the lawn was thick, green grass in desperate need of mowing. Tall shade trees were plentiful. Near the rear corner of the property stood a weeping willow tree with branches hanging to the ground, enveloping a small wrought iron bench. Potted plants in green containers lay close by. An old rusty storm fence standing with the help of tall grass and decaying posts lined the perimeter of the property. Scattered about the lawn were small flower gardens with red, white, and yellow tulips encased by circles of edging stones. A shed resembling a small barn stood off to the side. Sitting alongside the structure, leveled by a log perched underneath the tongue, was a sixteen-foot fishing boat on a trailer. Two chairs and an outdoor table stood between the shed and the house.

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Permalink Reply by Anna L. Walls on March 18, 2011 at 7:46am

Is there a reason why your character is just sitting in a car? Why not have him take a stroll, the descriptions above could be translated into thoughts. > I need cut the grass; I guess that means I can't put off fixing the lawn mower any longer. (I wouldn't mention the trees much, not here, maybe when he's mowing and sweating in the heat, he might long for the shade of the surrounding trees). He could explore through the curtain of weeping willow branches and discover the bench; maybe he would think of a romantic meeting there. Maybe he would find some of the windbreak standing and some of it already succumbing to time and thinking it aught to be repaired and maybe painted. Maybe he would think of his wife or girlfriend who loved tulips and how they would be pleased if he reclaimed the tulip gardens. Maybe he'd think how the boat and the outdoor furniture would need to be moved to mow the lawn.

Bland descriptions, though lovely, can be boring if no action is involved. With action the story continues to move forward. I hope that makes sense.

Permalink Reply by Robert L. Allen on March 18, 2011 at 8:44am

Thank you for your feed back. However the character has just arrived at the home and is trying to get a feel for what to exspect from who lives there. The person living there is a woman whose husband was murdered. The person in the car is there to ask questions about the murder. The setting of the home tells a lot about the woman and her husband. I know it needs work. Again thank you for the ideas, I really like what you said, have the character thinking about romance and so on...

Permalink Reply by Anna L. Walls on March 18, 2011 at 6:47pm

Ah - ok. But you can still translate it to thoughts. Have him think about what he sees, but remember, there's only so much he can see, so don't go telling us about things out of his range of view.

You say he's trying to get a feel for who lives there; take us through his train of thought and bring us to his conclusion too.

Permalink Reply by Sally Pomeroy on April 22, 2011 at 4:38pm

Robert, I didn't feel qualified to reply here because I'm struggling too, but I just found this great article:

http://blog.janicehardy.com/2011/04/description-101-is-your-descrip... and thought of you.

Permalink Reply by Robert L. Allen on April 23, 2011 at 7:45am

Thank you!!! Please never feel that way. At the point of starting this discussion, I was describing a surrounding that wasn't necessarily, necessary. However, I wanted to build a setting that would not go unnoticed. I'm revising 142,000 word novel down to 90,000 words, which is coming rather well. But when eliminating that many words, it's easy to leave in things that perhaps are not needed, but are well written. Again, please offer more. Sometimes when helping others, we break free and help ourselves. I saved the artical, thank you...

Permalink Reply by Maryanne Widau on May 20, 2011 at 3:44pm

How did you fix your paragraph? I'm sorry to be critical, but coming from a readers perspective that was really wordy. In my opinion the characters thoughts on what he saw as he looked around might be better. By the way, do you have anything that's published? That paragraph sparked my interest in you...even though it was on the wordy side.

Permalink Reply by Robert L. Allen on May 20, 2011 at 7:32pm

Actually, I took Anna's advise and rerouted some of the language, not as a thought but rather spead apart. However, you forced me to go back and look at it, in the story, and I believe it is still a bit wordy. What I was trying to convey, was the beauty of this home where an old woman lives alone after the death of her husband, who was murdered. My character is coming to question the woman. On her arrival, she feels safe, as the surroundings lead her to believe so; however, awaiting her behind the screen door is a very large dog that wants her for dinner.

PLEASE!!! Never feel critical! It's wonderful to hear the reader's thoughts. And I agree It is wordy...Thank you!

I do not have any books published as of yet. I do have 28 poems published.

Permalink Reply by Peg Robarchek on August 7, 2011 at 8:16pm

Excellent input from Anna. Filtering description through a particular character's perceptions not only reveals more about the character, it also challenges me to phrase my descriptive passages in that character's voice. That is typically more interesting & engaging than the description of a nameless/faceless narrator.

Permalink Reply by Garry Edward Lewis on August 30, 2011 at 4:35am

Robert, I love the way you describe the above, it's as if your right there checking out the property, "Hell I could smell the flowers Robert!" Keep doing what you do, it's great writing my friend. Yours truly Garry E. Lewis

Permalink Reply by Robert L. Allen on August 31, 2011 at 7:02am

Thank you, but I needed to cut 50,000 words and some of it had to go. However the rewrite was just as good but not as wordy. I was working on another book today that is in the beginning stages. At this point, it's only 14,000 words. My main character ( the villain) is quite discriptive. I had to find a way to describe her without over writing. I thought about Anna's advise and had her, the villain, thinking about the situation as a semi-daydream, which in this case worked quite well...Again Thank you...

Garry Edward Lewis said:

Robert, I love the way you describe the above, it's as if your right there checking out the property, "Hell I could smell the flowers Robert!" Keep doing what you do, it's great writing my friend. Yours truly Garry E. Lewis

Permalink Reply by Anna L. Walls on August 31, 2011 at 4:51pm

It's kinda cool to know that my advice is good enough to stick around. I'm flattered.

Permalink Reply by Robert L. Allen on September 1, 2011 at 6:42am

Heck yeah!!! I use what I can and discard the rest...

Anna L. Walls said: