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Rising from the Shadows

Its getting closer.

Here is the first paragraphs and my idea of the hook. Comments please guys and gals!

You’ll never imagine a more curious fireworks display. At least Elannah and Sam never did. Not until the night of the Great Wizard’s show. But there was more at stake than magical fireworks as they clash with a Grimlee and her plans for the world, starting with the Twelve Toed Ugly Troll.

Rising from the Shadows

Chapter One: The Grimlee Prophecy

Her world was frozen. It had happened, at last. She remembered her father, Promethys’s terrible Prophecy and those chilling words pierced into her soul like biting frost. How could the Grimlees, the all-powerful, the enlightened, and the most magical race in their galaxy have come to this?

Shehalogon shook her body, trying to rid it of the chilling shivers which threatened to overwhelm her. She had been shocked to find her world so changed, since she had emerged from the contemplation chamber. When she had entered the compartment, the world had been vibrant and warm and full of magic. Now everything had … changed.

Her sun, the star Elpys, was gone. What possibly could happen to make a star disappear? She shuddered again. It had been an old star but with many millions of years of life still left in it. Her father’s words echoed from within her skull like a voice of doom.

“Terrible woe unto all Grimlees, for our World will fall deep under a bitter spell, a hex to freeze our souls, to mist our minds. The very light of our lives will flee from us in our shadow’s shame and we shall become lost, abandoned and fallen unto treachery.”

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Permalink Reply by Jacqué on April 2, 2012 at 6:08am

Hook: not sure what you meant by "there is more at stake." Is there something at stake as it specifically relates to the fireworks.

1st paragraph: Posing a question at the end makes the MC seem like someone who has no insight whatsoever into her father's prophecy. In my mind, better posed as a statement or an observation than a question.

2nd & 3rd paragraphs: Great and intriguing, although the last sentence seems displaced.

The beauty of your story is that you have the opportunity to describe the world you created by weaving it in through the eyes of your MC as she sees how her world has changed.

I'm by no means an expert, but those are my comments. I'd be interested to read more.

Jacqué

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Permalink Reply by Birgitta Abimbola Heikka on April 2, 2012 at 5:59pm

Sean, I like the beginning of your story in Chapter One: "Her world was frozen," I think is the grabber. Story reads like a true life woven in an intricate way. You might want to change the 1st sentence in the hook: "You'll never imagine ...." I kind of like the 3rd sentence being the "hook" and then adding to complete the sentence: "Not until the night of the Great Wizard's show did the fireworks display ...." I love your usage of words. Some philosophy in the story. Would love to read the story in its entirety.

Abimbola.

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Permalink Reply by Sean Noonan on April 2, 2012 at 7:53pm

Thanks both of you, good advice and I will listen of course --- we never stop learning. The stories are progressing well and I hope to have the first two (or three) out this year (exceptionally four).

Time for the thinking cap to go back on...